THE FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:
Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Addendum 1:
As a special exception to the free exercise of speech, the burning of The Flag of the United States of America shall be a violation of law.
Addendum 1.1:
In addition to burning, citizens may not purposefully tear, cut, or trample The Flag of the United States of America, or immerse the flag (partially or otherwise) in a solution of bleach, dye, or acid.
Addendum 1.1.1:
A strong basic solution shall be henceforth be considered to be an acidic solution.
Addendum 1.1.2:
Addendum 1.1.1 to Amendment 1 of the Constitution of the United States shall only be relevant in regards to Addendum 1.1 of Amendment 1 to the Constitution of the United States. Jesus, people, we didn’t mean that all basic solutions would magically become acids by legal decree.
Addendum 1.1.3:
Addendum 1.1.2 shall have the word “Jesus” stricken.
Addendum 1.1.4:
Addendum 1.1.2 shall once again contain the word “Jesus.” Hallelujah!
Addendum 1.2:
The Flag of the United States of America shall not be considered The Flag of the United States of America until the dying process is complete. We didn’t mean that you couldn’t dye it in the first place. Use some common sense, people. Seriously.
Addendum 1.3:
The desecration of The Flag of the United States of America (as defined in Addendums 1, 1.1, 1.1.1, and 1.2) shall include the desecration of look-alike flags, including but not limited to flags with twelve or fourteen stripes, any number of stars, or alternate color patterns.
Addendum 1.3.1:
While it is also red, white, and blue, The Flag of the French Republic shall not be considered a look-alike to The Flag of the United States of America. The Flag of the French Republic, of course, may be burned at any time.
Addendum 1.3.1.1:
The burning of The Flag of the French Republic must adhere to local state and municipal fire codes.
Addendum 1.3.2:
The burning of The Flag of the French Republic is now compulsory.
Addendum 1.4:
Addendum 1 to Amendment 1 of the Constitution of the United States must, by law, be renewed by a 2/3rds majority Congressional vote, taking place the third Tuesday of October during any Presidential Election Year.
Addendum 1.4.1:
Any United States Senator or Member of the House of Representatives who belongs to the Democratic Party, but who votes for renewal of Addendum 1 to Amendment 1 just to pretend he or she is truly patriotic, shall be legally declared a “hypocrite” and his or her name must be accompanied by this title on any and all voting ballots distributed the following November.
Addendum 1.4.2:
The expense for printing any and all emergency ballots created as a result of Addendum 1.4.1 to Amendment 1 shall be taken from the portion of the Federal Budget otherwise allotted towards the National Endowment for the Arts.
Addendum 1.4.2.1:
In the event the expense for printing any and all emergency ballots created as a result of Addendum 1.4.1 to Amendment 1 shall exceed the budget allotted towards the National Endowment for the Arts, the budget allotted to the National Endowment for the Arts shall be increased accordingly.
Addendum 1.4.2.2:
By “accordingly” we meant “just enough to cover the special ballots”, you assholes. We didn’t mean to create some stupid loophole so you could give your lesbian artist friends more free money to go crap on the Bible in Times Square.
Addendum 1.5:
Fuck it. You know what? You just can't burn the flag. Or crap on the Bible. Or leak state secrets or say bad things about us or our friends. Unless we want you to. And even if we told you we wanted you to, if we decide later that was a bad idea, we still get to
blame you for it and throw you in jail. Just say what we want you to say, think what we want you to think, and continue to thank us for all those freedoms we let you have. If there has to be an Addendum 1.6, it's going to involve our balls on your chin. Capiche?