Harlock - Column for 10/10

I love the Internet. I don't believe in Hell, but if I do end up there, the Internet is really doing a great job of preparing me for eternal, mind-bendingly horrific torment. Because there are things that are so vile, so heinous, so despicably evil, that I just know they'll be waiting for me. Oh yes, things so fundamentally wrong that I'll be begging for the treat of hot pitchforks poking my bottom and twirling my steaming intestines.

Some of you know well my views on filking, and my views on the whole Furry thing. For those of you who don't, let's summarize: Filking is the process of whereby dangerously insane people make up songs at fantasy/sci fi/comic conventions, about the subjects of such conventions. So you get crap about elves, and gaming, and even klingons. Yes, there is such a thing as Klingon filk songs. So, right there, my belief in a just and merciful god is shaken.

"Furries" are another group of dangerously insane people, people who enjoy dressing up and acting like anthropomorphic animals in order to live out some really screwed up fetishes that, in a perfect world, would be violently suppressed.

Now, someone, and here I'm thinking of someone who is or has promising potential as a particularly loathsome agent of Beelzebub, has created a website devoted to FURRY FILK MUSIC.

See how the Internet gives me previews of eternal, soul-destroying torment?

Quoting "When I Close My Eyes" (by "Cheetah", no less)

 When I close my eyes
 I feel your fur against my skin
 Although I know it's just a dream
 A fire burns from deep within 

 When I close my eyes
 You live in my imagination
 But since I know it's just a dream
 I cry for you with desperation 

 Eternal sleep, come take me
 Before the pain will break me
 I have no mouth, but I must scream
 I'm sleeping tight, but I can't dream. 

It goes on like this. Now, imagine that sung by the SNL Sprockets guy accompanied by bad techno music. It's just so pathetic. You'd almost feel sorry for these people, if you could stop pointing and laughing at them. In a just world, these lunatics would be struck down by massive brain hemorrhages as soon as the idea of committing their bizarre fetish to bad song started its crazy dance through their brains. And this particular freak should be punished for stealing a Harlan Ellison line and dumping it in his song for no good reason, other than the extra crazy value it provides. And why the hell doesn't he have a mouth? Is his fantasy to be an earthworm?

And it's not just individual songs. Oh, not hardly. They have ALBUMS. Only three of them, but unless they're stopped, they'll make more. Not only do they have "Furry Fantasies" and "Furry Fantasies II" ("FF2 sets a whole new level of quality furry music" it claims, as if there was an OLD level, or as if anyone who buys this stuff doesn't think it's all just the greatest and play it over and over and over until the Universe intervenes and puts an 18-wheeler in their path), but there's also "Silky Fur." Because their love of large, human-like animals is not merely platonic. Well, let's face it: being the large, stinky geeks that they undoubtedly are, celibacy is probably (deservedly) thrust upon them, but they enjoy pretending it isn't; remember, these people are dangerously insane: if a six-foot tall animal came up to you, would you start putting the moves on it? Ever been to a zoo? If yes, then you've smelled plenty of large animals. Oh yeah, just the ticket to get one all hot and bothered.

But let's say that you're crazy. Well, then, you can get your own copy of Silky Fur via "direct bank transfer to Sayh of Profox". Do banks actually deal with people who call themselves Sayh of Profox? I don't want my money in the hands of people who might take Sayh seriously. I want the people handling my money to be sort of people who, when asked to transfer money to Sayh of Profox, phone up the local mental institution to come pick up an escapee, and recommend a regimen of high-voltage electroshock therapy.

So, what's on Silky Fur? I'm only going to list one song: "Happy Weasel". Do you really, honestly need more than that? Because I think that says it all. Nothing says I AM A CRAZY PERSON, PLEASE LOCK ME UP better than writing and singing the song "Happy Weasel", which then appears on an album named "Silky Fur". Nothing. Once you do that, you might as well tattoo DEVIANT on your forehead and shave your head for the electrodes.

(Sayh, by the way, seems to pretend that he's an Osprey. "Happy Weasel" is written by Chama, who enjoys pretending that he's a Cape Fox. I don't know what that is, but the little picture shows a fox with freakishly large ears. But you know what they say about guys who pretend to be tiny foxes with huge ears: They're fucking insane.)

Columns by Harlock