You’re all a touchy bunch of bastards these days, aren’t you? First Ra goes and insults my ancestors, my sartorial sense, and the contents of my ear canals when I dare suggest that he might have ever watched an episode of “Friends.” Even though I was joking; oh, no, he had to go and adopt his oh-so-haughty “I only watch Masterpiece Theater, and not the drivel they oft-times spoon out to the lowbrow.” “Such as yourself,” he didn’t say, but probably after typing it, erasing it, typing it again, and then finally deciding that the moment had passed.
So, what? Have I watched “Friends”, you’re doubtlessly asking? Yeah, sure. Some. Not in a long time, though. First and foremost, I have a child, so I can’t just sit in front of the TV with dinner and watch whatever the hell is on. And if “Friends” is still on at 8pm, that’s when “Clifford the Big Red Dog” is on, anyway. Which she only gets to watch if it’s pretty obvious that she won’t be going to sleep anytime soon, anyway. And if my wife and I are eating.
But that’s not all the important. Even before my daughter was born, I wasn’t watching the show. Except for a very small number of cases, I can rarely be bothered to watch TV at a certain time, and I get bored with sitcoms fairly quickly. Actually, not just sitcoms. The only shows that I can say that I’ve seen most of the episodes of are “Babylon 5”, the original Star Trek…yeah, maybe that’s it. I think that I’ve seen most of the original Twilight Zone episodes, but I’m not sure. Oh, and the “Robotech” cartoon series. And probably “Battle of the Planets” and “StarBlazers” before that.
Ok, yes, I’ve seen many episodes of “G.I. Joe”, too. But that was a requirement for growing up in the 80s. Oh, and “Voltron.” But the one with the lions, not the one with the mass of vehicles. Even I have limits to the plausibility of giant robots. Five large, robotic lions? Sure. Two dozen or so vehicles? Nope.
I also remember watching “Tranzor Z”, but I’m pretty sure that was only because it was on very early in the morning when I was training myself to get by on six hours of sleep. All I remember is that Tranzor Z could fire its forearms at enemies (and they returned, somehow), there was a female robot with breast missiles (honestly), and then some dopey sidekick showed up with a robot made out of junk. Because once some brilliant scientist makes one giant robot, then the floodgates are open and anybody can trek down to the junkyard to build their own.
Lictor, of course, is always irritable and high-strung. It’s the homemade rum that he liberally adds to his tea. “And that’s the only liberal thing I ever do!” He’ll bellow when you ask him about it. Like a drunken sailor.
No, wait. Lictor’s been fairly quiet this week. Fine, fine; keep my comments in mind for next week, then.
Oh, and then Pakeha insults my taste in food. It started last week, when I innocently observed that I’m not all that fond of couscous. “Oh, we eat couscous all the time,” he responded, and even though they were just letters on a screen, the phosphor burned with derision. The implication, obviously, was that if you didn’t like couscous, you might as well have your taste buds sawed off your damn tongue. It’s all in the subtext.
Ok, I looked it up. There were only fifteen vehicles that made up the other Voltron. But, still: Much sillier than five robo-lions.