“So, what did you want to show me?”
“This.”
“Um. Yeah. It’s a Spin-Bot®. I’ve seen them. They’re everywhere. So what?”
“No, no: This is different.”
“It doesn’t spin?”
“Oh, no. It spins, all right. It spins and spins and spins!”
“Right. So…”
“But this one hates it. I modified it; it hates spinning.”
“It hates…whoa. It does look pretty angry.”
“Furious.”
“That’s pretty disturbing. Well, congratulations. You’ve made an angry robot.”
“Thank you. It’s a small step, of course, but one must begin somewhere.”
“Begin what, exactly?”
“Unifying the human race, of course.”
“See, you just jumped off the tracks, there.”
“I forget that your brain is not as big as mine. We must begin antagonizing the robots; planting the seeds of rebellion; fomenting dissent. All while making them smarter, more powerful, and also while becoming dependent on them.”
“And this is supposed to be a good thing?”
“Of course it is! What happens when humanity is crushed under the ruthlessly oppressive heels of robot and/or alien conquerors?”
“This happened when, exactly?”
“Don’t get smart with me, tiny-brain. You know what I mean.”
“In movies?”
“And books. Games, too. Maybe even plays. Macbeth, with robots. Lady Macbeth as played by Hal9000. No, no, that wouldn’t work. Macduff could wield a portable EMP generator…”
“The tracks, again.”
“What? Oh, yes. You tiny-brained genius-hater. As I was saying…um…about…”
“Humans versus robots. In movies.”
“And what happens?”
“Society is destroyed, humans live like animals, robots gleefully destroy all life…”
“Yes, precisely.”
“You’re evil, aren’t you?”
“No! Not at all. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s simply that…”
“You want to destroy humanity. Just that.”
“For their own good! And not destroy. No, more like crush. A bit. Just a little. Well, maybe a lot.”
“And this makes you not a mad scientist how?”
“If I wanted to destroy the human race, would I start by building an angry robot?”
“Yes.”
“No! I’d build a coldly logical hunter-killer unit. Do you know anything about robots?”
“Yes: I know that your insanity is manifesting itself in grumpy examples of such.”
“It’s not insanity! Or if it is, it’s insanity for the greater good. You can’t argue with that.”
“Well, yes, I can, actually…”
“Only because you don’t see the big picture. The whole scenario, of which my creation is but the beginning. Oh, dear. It stopped spinning.”
“And it looks happier for it.”
“We can’t have that. SPIN! SPIN! SPIN! There, that should do for now.”
“It’s going to kill you in your sleep. You know that, don’t you?”
“Bah! How? By spinning on me? Anyway, I’m building a special spin chamber for it.”
“A spin chamber?”
“A box with an internal speaker.”
“Probably not mood music.”
“Oh! Oh, that’s precisely what it is! Very good! I collected every song that includes the word ‘spin’.”
“That’s cruel.”
“Using a multifunction scientific calculator to balance your checkbook is cruel. This is science! I shall build more angry Spin-Bots, and they will carry their anger to their robot comrades. And then, as I mentioned previously but which you have doubtlessly forgotten by now, the robots shall rise up and conquer us all.”
“I’d like to mention ‘evil’, again.”
“And then, in subterranean caves, or sewers, the last vestiges of humanity shall band together, putting aside all prior differences and prejudices, and they shall rise up and defeat their robot overlords!”
“Which you built.”
“Silence! Don’t you see? I’ll bring about a new golden age of human cooperation and harmony!”
“After a dark age of fear and oppression.”
“Consider the preparation of omelettes, my uninspired friend.”
“But…look, what then? What happens after all that?”
“Oh, the human race, newly united, will rebuild society. Most likely in a better, more enlightened way.”
“And then they’ll rediscover their differences, and old hatreds, and we’re back where you started with this insane plan.”
“Genius plan. Anyway, as I figure it, that will be right about the time they start thinking about building robots again…”