ding, ding
“Ahhh…a customer! Why, it’s been many a year since anyone…”
“Er, do you have a restroom?”
“What? I’m sorry, I missed that. I’ve been preparing that what I would say for so long now…”
“A restroom. A toilet. I need one. Please.”
“Oh. Right, yes. It’s back here. Mind the bear trap.”
“The what? Oh, I see.”
“And don’t read the scrolls in the bathroom. This isn’t a library!”
[One refreshing break later]
“Thanks. Good think you were open; the other stores…”
“As I was saying, it’s been many a year since anyone ventured into this store!”
“Um. Yes, probably because it looks abandoned. You can barely see through he window. I only tried the door because I was desperate, you see.”
“No, you were destined to come here. It was foretold.”
“Actually, I think it was the third cup of coffee.”
“Destiny.”
“So. Um. What kind of…do you sell these things?”
“Oh, yes. But only to the right people. The people who are meant to own them.”
“And who don’t mind a little dust. Say, is this a real monkey’s paw?”
“Real? Are you accusing me of selling falsified goods?”
“Oh, no. Not at all. It’s just that you don’t see too many monkey paws for sale. In other stores. But that box is full of them, isn’t it?”
“And all of ‘em are real! They grant wishes, too, sort of. They’re cursed, though.”
“You’re selling cursed…”
“They’re just not all cursed in the same way. That one you’re holding, for instance, causes impotence.”
“GAH!”
“Heh heh heh. I love doing that. Naw, that one grants your wish, but whatever you wish for only comes in plaid. Great for lumberjacks, not good for anyone else. Not many lumberjacks around these parts, though.”
“Not that I’ve seen, no. How about this one? It looks appropriately menacing.”
“That one gives you a beautiful singing voice, but gives you an burning, uncontrollable rash…uh, down there. You can sing, but you can’t stop scratchin’ yourself.”
“And this jar of pennies?”
“Lucky pennies! Each one of them, guaranteed lucky! They’re a damned sight expensive, though.”
“Ah ha. Yes, I’ve read about these. Lucky penny, unlucky owner. No thanks.”
“Arr, you’re a discerning shopper, are ye?”
“And…would that be a magic eye patch?”
“Yes, indeedy. If you wear it, and this stuffed parrot, and set your beard on fire, you can command a pirate crew of your very own! But not many pirates ‘round these parts, neither. Arr.”
“Arr, indeed. Say, what does that bear trap do, anyway?”
“Catches bears, I suppose. I just like the looks of it. Fits my décor, if you will.”
“Of course.”
“Now, this, here, is something for the discerning customer, such as yourself.”
“Wow. That’s a nice pocket watch.”
“Oh, it’s more than that. Set this, here, a bell chimes.”
“Yes, very nice…”
“The bell can sound up to an hour before you die!”
“Ah. That…I suppose that could come in handy. I’d probably just go into a blind panic, though.”
“You can also push this button to speed up time. Handy for long meetings. You lookin’ like an office type, and all.”
“Hrm. That is tempting. Oh, say, this is pretty. What is it, a magical paperweight? It’s cursed, isn’t it? All papers underneath it get rewritten in Hyperborean, or something?”
“No, that’s this one, here. That one is most evil, and accursed.”
“But it’s very pretty. Venetian, I’d say.”
“Oh, it is Venetian, but not something made for mere tourists! Oh, no, it’s a dark artifact, made by a twisted, evil wizard-alchemist in the fifteenth century.”
“He had a good eye for design, though. So, it’s full of mercury, or arsenic, then?”
“No, it’s much worse. I can only do my best to dissuade you, but I can see your destiny compelling you…”
“Yes, yes. So, what’s the curse?”
“It grants you an extended life!”
“Um. Yes, that’s terrible. How, exactly, is that a curse? Do I live forever, but keep aging? Does my body glow bright green? Do I need to sustain my unnaturally long life by spending twelve hours a day watching mediocre sitcoms?”
“Go on! Mock the curse! See where that gets you!”
“Ok, I’m sorry. Honestly, what does it do?”
“It doesn’t make you live forever, so don’t expect that. It just extends its owner’s life, a little bit at a time. But it does so…by draining the life of other people around it!”
“Ah, I see. So, not something that you’d want to keep around the house, then.”
“Not something that you’d want to keep at all.”
“I’m not sure about that. It sounds like a great thing to take to work.”
“What? Didn’t you hear what I said? It drains the life of others! Slowly, gradually, only a little at a time, but it’s monstrous, nonetheless!”
“Hey, you’re the one selling it. My coworkers are bastards, anyway. And with the hours they demand, and considering what they’re paying me, a little extra life seems due to me. How much?”
“It’s evil! Accursed!”
“Yes. But I’m pretty sure that Mr. Destiny wants me to have it. And before you wrap it up, I think Destiny also wants a certain asshole VP to have a monkey paw.”