Jedi never had to deal with aggravating commutes. That’s obvious, isn’t it? Because if they did have to drive to work amid the throng of Coruscant commuters, they’d pop over to the Dark Side faster than you can say “tailgating butt-monkey.” Once the second toothy bastard in the BMW speeder blathering on his com-link cut them off (without, obviously, signaling), they’d be blue-bolting the bastard’s gas tank. And cackling with long-suppressed glee. I know that I would.

Which, I suppose, is why I’d never qualify as a Jedi. I mean, apart from the lack of magical Force fairies living inside my body. Oh, thanks again for that, George. Bastard. No, I can’t just let it go.

The Jedi, the good guys, definitely get the short end of the Force power stick. What, really do they get?

• The ability to lift heavy objects. Ok, very useful. I’d love to have telekinetic abilities. True, I’d mostly use the Force to get myself something to drink because I was too lazy to get up from the couch, but it’s really one of those “Thousands of household uses!” sort of powers. Unfortunately, the bad guys get it, too.

• Their very own lightsaber, and the ability to use it. Ok, again: cool, and lots of practical applications around the home and office. Well, maybe no so much around the office, since threatening idiot coworkers with the ability to effortlessly lop of their arms and then beat them with the charred leftovers (using the Force, naturally)…no, Yoda wouldn’t approve of that. Plus, again, the bad guys get this, too. Oh, and now it seems that bad guys actually get the cooler models. Ha ha, Jedi wussies.

  Plus, there’s probably some stupid Jedi prohibition against using your lightsaber for anything other than defending yourself. No using it to open jars, no matter how stuck they are. No using them to cut 2x4s, or to trim the hedge. I mean, the spacehedge. Luke could have carved out the Hoth base in an afternoon, but probably whined about that being against the Jedi code. Lazy bitch.

• ”Obi-Wan Says.” Yes, the old “These are not the droids you’re looking for” ability. Useful, but only sometimes. Although, frankly, that thing with Watto was just stupid. As someone else pointed out, no RPG player would ever have been satisfied with “It doesn’t work with Watto. Better enter the kid in the podrace.” Not when the Jedi Mind Trick would certainly work on one or more of the high rollers at said race. Find one, change his mind, grab the cash, repay him with plenty of Republic drachmas (or whatever the hell they were). Problem solved, no need to watch the kid overact any more than necessary.(*)

  I’m not sure whether the bad guys get this power or not. We never see Darth using it, but that’s because there’s simply no way to make anyone more likely to obey him. Maybe Darth gets his kicks by using the power to tell people something like, “You will disobey my next order,” giving them an order, and then watching them spontaneously combust as they try to resolve the internal conflict

• Um. There must be something else. That’s it, isn’t it? Lift, cut, and marginally effective mind control. Oh, I suppose “advice from disembodied voices or blue ghosts” counts for something, but then you’re always worrying about them spying on you. (“Luke, Wookie porn is the path to the Dark Side!”)

On the other hand, the bad guys get all of the above, plus Vader’s Clenching Fist and Palpatine’s Bolts of Doom. Oh, sure, they’re also evil, but we never hear that Vader has to puree a bowl of kittens for breakfast each morning. It’s just that their skill set happens to qualify them for evil-oriented jobs. I’m not saying that, given those powers, I’d automatically become an evil technical writer; I’m just saying that, every now and then, I’d like to be able to do a bit of long-distance throat-squeezing. Just a little bit. Or at least slash their tires. Off.

* This is actually a moot point. Any experienced RPG players would hear “small child”, “mystical”, “unknown origin”, “balance to the Force”, and would immediately lop off his head.

Columns by Harlock