Columnist for Wednesday, 6/6 - Harlock

Sweet, Sweet Candy

Now that I'm writing a weekly column, I've found that I look upon my usual long-winded missives with a new appreciation for their value as column fodder. Not merely because I always need new material on hand with which to fend off our ruthless and cruel editor for another week, but because I believe very strongly that it's my duty to preserve as much of my writings as possible for future generations. I'm sure that future scholars, poets, and diplomats will thank me.

Today I'm to history my views on candy.

First of all, I don't like nuts, so that eliminates a lot of candy bars there. M&Ms, plain, are always good. I like the peanut butter ones, too, but you rarely see those in candy machines. Or at least the vending machines that I pay attention to, which is what matters. Plus, now that I'm Old, I realize that they're 150% fat, with the other 150% being sugar. Yeah, M&Ms are special that way.

You rarely see Whatchamacallit bars. Them's good eatin'. So are Butterfinger bars, but I think that Butterfingers push you oh-so-slightly further towards cardiac explosion.

The machines at my office have Twix, Skittles or Starburst (sometimes, and never both at the same time), Caramello, and a bunch of crap with nuts. Skittles are good, especially once you figure out best flavor combinations (red+yellow is tasty; green+yellow, while obvious, is still good). When they do stock Starburst, they stock Tropical Starburst. Three of the flavors are ok; the fourth, kiwi/melon, or mango/melon I believe, tastes like something scraped from Satan's festering nutsack. I'm not a big melon fan at the best of times, but this condenses everything evil about melons into a tiny candy square, and then tops it off with a dose of bitter evil.

Twix bars are ok, but the problem with them is that one bar is good, and makes my easily-overpowered brain want the second. But once I finish the second, I realize that two bars of the stuff is really too much, they aren't great enough to justify the heaviness in my stomach, and I have a sudden urge to go take a walk. Which I would guess burns off 2-3% of the badness that I just consumed. Eating a bag of Skittles makes me feel like my stomach lining is crystallizing, or at least so heavily saturated with artificial coloring that it stops processing and just dumps the sugar out to my other poor, hapless organs.

The company vending machine also has Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They're good, but like peanut butter M&Ms, they're deadly. They're only 50% sugar, but 450% fat. Yes, they pull fat in from other dimensions. Like, uh, hyperfat.

Now, Junior Mints are a rare and delicious treat. So are Milky Way Dark bars, although that's because I really want to enjoy dark chocolate more than I do, so I tell myself that I really love dark chocolate, even when my taste buds traitorously prefer milk chocolate. I can't explain that.

But you know what's best? Cadbury Creme Eggs. They're the apex of candy's progression through the ages. They're delicious, and they have yolks, right in the middle! Well, a glob of yellow dye, but still, it's just damned nifty. Mostly, though, they're just really, really good. Heck, since it's only the end of May, there are probably some of 'em lingering in stores even as I type this...

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