"God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them."
--George W. Bush
January, 2001
[bamf]
“Morning, George.”
“AHHH! Who’re you?”
“Who do I look like?”
“You look like…God?”
”Excellent. Got it in one. Now, let’s get right to business…er, George?”
“[mumble mumble]...Holy Spirit...[mumble]”
“That’s OK, George, you don’t have to do that. There, up you go.”
“Sorry, your, uh, Lord. Um.”
“Yeah, yeah. Now, first things first: You know you owe me, right?”
“Y-yes, Lord. I owe you everything. I owe you my daily bread…”
“No, I mean specifically. Rigging the election, keeping the media off your back, heck, even way back when you were messing up Harkin. Who do you think kept the SEC from dragging you into hearings?”
“Poppy?”
“Yes, ok, he helped, too. I work in mysterious ways, you know. So, getting settled? Finding this place comfortable?”
“Yes, very. Oh, thank you, Lord! Thank you!”
“Uh-huh, right. Now, let’s talk about the next few years. What did you have in mind?”
“Uhm...what Karl told me to do: Cutting taxes, disimposing environmental laws…and, uh, visiting the ranch.”
“Good, good. But you need to do more.”
“More, God?”
“More. Lots more. You want to go down in history as a very significant president, don’t you?”
“I…”
”Of course you do! Now, I’m going to have to arrange a few things…”
Two and a half years later...
[bamf]
“Hi again, George.”
“Gah! Oh. Greetings, your godness.”
“Yeah, hi. So, good work so far, George.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, yeah. You really nailed the Taliban, and Iraq. Couldn’t have done better, myself. Oh, and that 'Bring 'em on' thing? Top-notch.”
"Karl told me to say that."
"Yes, of course, he did."
“But Osama and Saddam...”
“Right, them. Well, that’s too bad, but sometimes these things happen, you know?”
“But...you’re God.”
“I’m very mysterious, aren’t I? Just assume that it’s all going according to my plan. Now, let’s go over this whole Israeli-Palestinian thing...”
“I’ve been working on that.”
“And doing a good job, too. I’ll give Karl all the details, but I thought that you and I could go over the basics...”
“Uh…what about Saddam?”
”What about him? He’s out of the picture for now. Forget about him. We have to get moving on this Israel thing.”
You’re...you’re workin’ on Armageddon, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am. Jeez, you’re not the brightest of my little stars, are you? It’s been a long time, and now I’m ready to wrap things up.”
“So it’s gonna be the Rapture!”
“Yeah. That’s about right.”
“So when’s your son showing up?”
“Oh, he’s getting ready right now.”
“Can you tell me when he’s coming back?”
”Back? No, this is Dam…Oh! Back. Right. Coming back. Heh heh.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. He’ll be back pretty soon. Now, Georgie, let’s concentrate on Israel…”
"Uhm, Lord?"
[sigh] "Yes, George?"
"You're saving a place for me, aren't ya?"
"Oh, yes, George; I'm keeping a special spot warm for you."