Lictor's Predictions and Prognostications.
So, it's a new year, and it's time to whip out the tackle and put them on the block.
I'm going to give you a run down of the highlights of this coming year right now, here, in writing. That way, you can skip all the tedious news reports and just tune into those far more soothing reality TV shows.
Prediction #1 - The Pope kicks off. Bit of an easy one, I know, but there you go. Thought I'd start small. Not that I wish the old fella ill, but well, he's getting on and I reckon the summons to the big Vatican Council in the sky will be arriving in 2004.
Prediction #2 - Yassa Arafat will decide he's had enough and throw in the towel. Call me crazy, but the way I see it, he's got to be sick of all the shelling and having tanks keep turning up in his back yard at inconvenient hours.
Prediction #3 - (and here's the beauty of it) Yassa Arafat runs for, and is elected, pope. Oh yes. Well, he's free, and probably looks great in a white blouse.
Prediction #4 - Al Gore goes bananas and drags Howard Dean off stage at a fund-raiser, beating him to a pulp, and declares himself Right-Born King off all Democrats.
Prediction #5 - George Bush challenges Gore to a dual, mano-a-mano. It's a Technical Knockout for Bush, but the Gore corner disputes it and the whole things ends up with a lot of ill feeling on all sides. ESPN, however, rakes in the money.
Prediction #6 - Howard Dean takes over Yassa Arafat's role as head of the PLO.
Prediction #7 - Michael Jackson stands trial for a variety of unsavory acts, but is acquitted on the basis that he's only 40% human. As Johnny Cochrane puts it, "If the nose doesn't fit, you must acquit."
Prediction #8 - Ann Coulter becomes so enraged with Alan Colmes that she saws his head off on national TV and devours his still beating heart. Sean Hannity proclaims himself Pope, causing a schism in the Roman church. FOX rakes in the money.
Prediction #9 - The Queen of England discloses that she is having Tony Blaire's head on a pike "or my name isn't Bloody 'Liz."
Prediction #10 - Tony Blaire flees the country and takes up residence in the US. He hosts a new reality show "Inside the bunker." It follows the day-to-day activites of Dick Cheney and his hilarious subterranean antics.
Prediction #11 - In a tit-for-tat reprisal, God has all references to the United States removed from any heavenly documents. Church leaders in the US are dismayed, but they are quick to point out that at least no children were harmed.
Prediction #12 - Oh, some other stuff happens. Nothing very interesting though.
Well, that's it. Nothing else of interest will happen in 2004, so if you were hoping for, say, real news, forget it. Possibly Paris Hilton will make a run for President, it's hard to say. Nothing else though. Really.