Lictor - Column for 2/10

The Sound of Jihad!

Ok, this is a work in progress, but hey, I can share with you right?

So the premise is a musical extravaganza, following the life of a humble Jihadist (Osama Von Trapp) from his early days in the convent (go with me on this) to his final days fleeing to Iraq. For a musical score, I decided to borrow from existing tunes that people will already know and love. Um. Well, I can't play an instrument nor read music, so hey, sue me. (No, not literally.)

Anyway, a couple of excerpts from my forthcoming show, The Sound of Jihad!

In this scene, we see Osama, surrounded by young Jihadists who have been frightened by the distant rumble of America Imperialist Bombs.

To the music of "Favorite Things"

"Bomb vests on children and missiles on shoulders,

Roadside explosives that target their soldiers,

Blowing up weddings oh! the horror it brings

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the bombs drop, and the guns fire, and my pants smell bad,

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel, so sad."

Anyway, you get the general idea.

Later, we see a more reflective Osama, no now longer a Catholic nun, thinking back on his days out in the poppy fields of Afghanistan. Now, alas, he is required to hide away underground because of those damn American Bombs. Again.

To the music of "Edelweiss."

"Cluster bombs, cluster bombs,

Every morning you greet me,

Small and white


You look happy to meet me!

Bombs that get dropped on my cave all day

It's that way


Cluster bombs, cluster bombs,

This cave is my home forever!"

I'm thinking I need a big finish for the show, possibly in which a now happily married Osama finally makes it to Iraq, only to be accidentally beheaded by his best buddy, Alzer Cowee, in a comedic climax of mistaken identities and serrated knives.

Anyway, if you think it's the kind of thing audiences would pay, say, $50 a seat for, let me know and I'll keep working. Oh, and I need to start casting soonish, so if you know anyone who can convincingly carry off the role of a guitar strumming Catholic Nun - Islamic Jihadist Terrorist with a heart of gold and a voice to match, let me know.

Columns by Lictor