Lictor - Column for 8/13

No more news please.

I'm getting bored with the news.

It's not that it isn't dramatic, I mean, Husbands who may (or may not) go around slaughtering their wives and unborn children, other husbands who not only slaughter their wives and unborn children but then run around naked, and the race for the top job in the free world, but it just all seems so, well, blah.

Enough with the constant, droning analysis of the Peterson murder trial. If I never hear the name Amber Frey again, I'll be more than happy. Hours of it, stretching out like some bleak audio highway to nowhere, pouring out of the TV.

What this country needs is a good war to get its teeth stuck into. Look at the early days of Desert Storm II, with all those hours of grainy footage from a convoy "Somewhere in Iraq." Now that was news. These days the best we can show is a lot of marines running around wishing they were allowed to fire back. Call that a war? Where are the massed B52s? Where is the Iowa, mighty guns blazing as she pours thousands of pounds of cold steel-clad freedom into the gibbering ranks of naughty Johnny foreigner?

Likewise the Presidential race seems to have settled into a pattern of "I *am* a hero." "Am not." "Am too." "Am too." Could it be more banal? Maybe Bush and Kerry should just arm-wrestle for the job and have done with it. I see little sign that it's going to get any better, either.

I'm planning on publishing a book providing conclusive evidence, from numerous witnesses, that both Bush and Kerry were in fact in charge of Rome when Alaric sacked it, although they both claim they were actually running a floating opium den in Shanghai at the time.

When the presidential race comes down to where one of the candidates spent Christmas of 1972, it's time to change channel.

Which is what I intend to do! From now on, I'm getting all my news from other channels. No more CNN, or Fox (am I allowed to admit to watching Fox? Hopefully the DNC won't sue me, although you never know.) From now on, it's Nick Jnr. all the way.

Which leads me rather nicely to my proposition: SpongeBob for President! It makes perfect sense! There's no question that SpongeBob has ever shot a Vietnamese teenager in the back, with or without a handy camera crew to document it for his Silver Star. There's never been any suggestion that ol' Spongey is really a corporate puppet running the country for his oil-rich buddies, and SpongeBob has never, ever, sued anyone for any amount of money.

Now, there have been disturbing rumors that SpongeBob and SquidWard are a little closer than they like to admit, but no one in public office ever got into trouble for that, did they?

Columns by Lictor