Do you want me to take your on a tour? Let’s get
started then. I’ll be at the top of the street when you’re ready. Just run up
and find me. Don’t worry about what you saw. All will be explained.
Before you say anything, I should mention that the
place is supposed to be this red. Whatever you might say, it is not an
illusion. Some say, smugly, “Red is the colour of evil,
it enhances the ambience of our world.” Black is the fucking colour of evil I
tell them, but they refuse to listen to me, dumb motherfuckers.
Wouldn’t this place be scarier if everything were pitch
black? Things would be hard to see, yes, but I don’t think that you think that
that’s such a bad thing.
Anyway, let’s start. We’ve been standing here too
long. To your left is the home of Mr. James. He is the enforcer of all-
Shit, why the fuck are you so
jumpy? Haven’t you seen cockroaches before? All cockroaches here are green. You’ve
gone as pale as page. I have a mirror in my pocket that I want to show you.
See? There you are. Have you ever seen anyone so pale?
The warts?
Don’t worry about them. They’re just there as your body adjusts to the new
levels of infection from here. There are infinitely more diseases here than
anywhere else, you know and they’re also more vicious than other diseases you
might have encountered. The warts’ll get bigger, more
painful until your body is covered in that shit, then they’ll disappear…James? What about him?
Oh, you want me to continue. James is the enforcer of
all physical punishment that enjoys his job immensely. What James does is set a
roster for physical punishment. When it’s your turn you will get beaten to
about a centimetre from what you’d consider death. James also believes that
anything he tells his subordinates to do, he should be able to do himself.
Next to James lives sister Jenima.
She’s in charge of sexual misconduct, but she handles only men. Brother Myra
handles the women, but I cannot speak of what happens in his room. What I
presume is that females are receivers of worse treatment than men. I had the
misfortune of hearing the “OOHH’s AAHH’s”,
sometimes squeals of, “You’re my daddy!” coming from the room on my way to Jenima’s.
Jenima
has a special job. She takes out all her frustrations on your groin and the
regions surrounding it. During my last session I got kicked and stabbed. In
case you’re wondering she was wearing spiked boots and the object was blunt.
Well, would you look at the time! I’m sorry that our
tour has to end so abruptly, but I have an appointment with Satan that I dare
not miss. The last homes on the street contain the homes of Dr. Juan. (In
charge of stabbing you with blunt serrated knives), Miss Cornelia(Choking
and poisoning) and lastly Mr. Jones(S&M, but to him there is no such thing
as a safe word).
That’s it for today. You do not belong here. Heaven is
your destination. In long years past God decreed that all people who go to
heaven should have a tour of hell. Vice versa for those unlucky
souls for whom hell would be the end of their journey.
Goodbye, I’ll see you if I ever come to heaven.