OricXe - Column for 10/27


'So what have you done today that's at all interesting?'

"Nothing really, I just bought myself a hippodog."

'What's that?'

"It's a genetically engineered dog with ears like a hippopotamus."

'Do hippos even have ears?'

"I don't know. The owner of the pet store told me it was the latest new craze among kids and adults alike."

'So you just bought it, just like that, without knowing if hippos have ears or not?'

"Yes, do you have a problem with that?"

'Yes I do. The ears could be a bugging device planted by the government to spoil our plans.'

"Don't be silly!"

'I'm not being silly, the government would do anything to ruin our plans to bring about world peace.'


The scene is taking place in the future, past or present. Alfieri and Fin were fed up with walking around at night scared of every little thing that came their way. They wanted to be able to pick up prostitutes without worrying if the pimp will seek them out if they didn't pay the her enough. They wanted to be able to walk about during the day and not worry about kids beating them up. They wanted world peace dammit! And there was nothing anyone could do to stop them…unless they killed Fin and Alfieri.


They came up with an ingenious plan to bring about the peaceful coexistence of all mankind. They were trying to develop as many psychokinetic abilities as they can, which they would then use to coerce inhabitants of planet earth into living in a non-violent environment. They had fears that someone was trying to stop them and the government (Choose a government, any government) seemed like the most likely suspect.


"OK, say I believe you. What would the government be able to do to us if they found out? How did they find out about us in the first place, especially since we haven't told anybody about the plans?"

'The government is suspicious of everyone. Chances are they listened in on, and recorded our phone calls. They could kill us with snipers, they could let hookers seduce us, let us lick there poison covered nipples and die, they could send someone who's already majorly psychokinetic to face us in a showdown like in the cowboy movies. They could also -'

"Shut up! Have you developed any powers yet?"

'Telekinesis and a bit of pyrokinesis.'

"Great, I perfected telepathy yesterday. AHH! Goddammit! Why do they make hippodogs so small?"


It was at that moment that the hippodog bit him from inside his pocket. He looked at it and saw that one of its ears was shaped like a satellite dish...for perfect reception. It's and ugly thing really. Imagine an Alsatian with hippo ears. He looked at it, saw that it was a device of deception and threw the hippodog on the ground. It wasn't an ordinary throw. Telekinetic powers came into play and the dog that had hippo traits burst into pieces.


'Good bye ugly hippo copulator.'

Columns by OricXe