OricXe - Column for 11/3

Hippodog Part 2- A bit crude

Time stopped.

Then reversed as the hippodog remorphed into what he was before. The completed being that it was before it was so violently killed by telekinesis at the mind of Alfie has returned to what is the small ugly hippo fucker that is so well known to us all.

It laughed at Alfie. ‘What did you think you would achieve if you did that? Did you think that you could kill me and be done with it? What are you going to do now? Blow me up again? I am the one and only immortal that will ever be on this puny planet of yours and the fact that I’m so goddamn ugly makes people think that I am not intelligent. But I am, you see.’

Alfie and his friend(I seem to have forgotten his name) were absolutely godsmacked. ‘Is it not a rule that ugly things are usually so dumb so as not to warrant any attention?’ They thought. ‘How the fuck can this thing talk with a mouth so small? How can it hear us with ears so hippo-like? Do those ears even work? Can this thing reproduce? Why am I thinking so many useless questions? Why is my friend also thinking lots of useless nonsense?’

‘Would you two shut up!’ The hippodog said, because it was also telepathic you see, ‘I am the one and only hippodog. I am in the government’s employ and I have been sent here to kill you.’ ‘Why would the government want to kill us?’ One of the two asked. ‘Because you threaten all that the government stands for. War not peace. Starvation, not obesity. Sex with interns, not wives. Non homosexuality… You two are homo’s, right?’ ‘No we’re not! Fuck you hippodog.’ The other guy said and kicked the hippodog into the air.

Hippodog froze and floated in the air. He looked at the two and said, ‘would you please stop fucking doing that! I have the power to give either one of you a vagina and if you keep on physically hurting me I swear I’ll give it a yeast infection also.’ ‘OK dude we’ll stop…If you let us go.’ Alfie was speaking now. ‘And why would I do that? That would mean nothing to me. That is also why I’m not going to kill you. I am not from this planet, you see. I am from one of the planet’s orbiting Sirius B. We are a race seriously short of workers. We are a race of many but no one seems to want to do anything. All of us just travel the galaxy and do whatever we want to. If any one of us sees someone who we’d like to have as a slave on our home planet we take them and let them use their powers to further our race in the galaxy. Anyway, so now I have to transport you using this teleporting device to become slaves for the rest of your short lives!’

He gave an evil, MWAHHAHHA! Laugh and took a remote control out of his pocket(It came from somewhere). He pointed it at them and pressed a button.

Alfie and the other guy(I still don’t have his name) disappeared never to be seen again.

“Fucker!” the hippodog screamed, because it was at that moment that he realized that the remote was set to kill and not transport, but the afterlife lever was set to ‘Sunshine and beautiful girls’.

Columns by OricXe