‘What should we talk about?’ said Mr Thouless
“I have no idea. Maybe you could teach me how to do a somersault.”
‘OK’ Mr Thouless replied, ‘Do it like this…’ and he did a somersault while I looked on.
“Let me try…” whoop, “See, I can do it too. Just like you.”
‘Yeah you did son, but look at the bone sticking out of you leg. You have pathetic muscles by the way. Pick up your fat. Goddamn son! Didn’t your mother teach you any decency?’
“Yeah, yeah” I said while sticking in the bone and all that other shit, “So what do we do?”
‘Have you read anything interesting? Maybe we could talk about that. We do have a whole article to write, do we not?’
“Actually, there’s this book by Dean Koontz called Odd Thomas that is probably the best book of his that I’ve read.”
‘What’s it about?’ Mr Thouless asked.
“A guy who sees dead people.” I replied nonchalantly even though insomnia made an appearance the night after I read it.
“Nope, as with all Koontz books that I’ve read the book deals more with the relationships Odd Thomas, that’s the guys name in the book buy the way, has with the people he loves and shit like that.”
‘Is the guy dead?’
“Nope, living guy. He almost dies at the end.”
‘Like my dog yesterday.”
The sun ray reflected from the tears that were suddenly flowing fro the black, sullen eyes of Mr Thouless who did not know he was dead. His dog died from smoking too much pot the previous day. I still don’t understand why he called his son a dog and he always referred to him as his dog. His son doesn’t know he’s [the son] is dead either. A dog just jumped through him while he was playing on the grass. Dog didn’t notice.
“Mr Thouless, why’d you name your son dog?”
‘Should’ve told you shouldn’t I…When he was born, he had the lower body of a dog, but was human otherwise. We had to absolve ourselves of thousands of dollars to get him some human legs.’
“How the fuck was he born that way?”
‘His mother was a bitch.’
“So…er…you impregnated a canine? Is that it?”
‘Yes, I did it because of experiments we were doing at the lab. After a few years of the shit it got too much for me to think that I had sex with an animal so I killed both myself and my son.’
If you could see my face you would have seen the sickliest, most stunned face in the world. Like I got punched in the face while sitting on the toilet, listening to Eminem and talking to myself or something.
‘Didn’t you know you were dead?’ Mr Thouless said and I started to faint.
Columns by OricXe