OricXe - Column for 2/2


“What the fuck is this shit?”

That’s my favourite sentence. I love the way it just rolls of your tongue. I love saying it almost as much as I hate hearing ‘cunt’. Or writing it (not the sentence) for that matter. God, how I hate that word. To hurt someone, badly, who dares utter such profanity would bring enormous pleasure to the author.

Anyway, if you replace the ‘u’ with an ‘a’ you get Cant. A very nice word indeed.

On a fateful day while searching the net for stuff on telekinesis a result came up. Sun Ra’s column about a telekinetic cat. Looking around, he saw that the site had no advertising. He liked that very much. So he explored the bannerless world of Cant and decided he would visit regularly if it’s good. He read on…

Wanton Hussy: “Sex, oohh nice” he thought. He read and was impressed by the insights of the hussy writing it. Mostly, because he agreed with most of Wanton’s opinions (Except where she wrote that women in porno’s should not have fake boobs. That’s just silly, Women with 'a' cups shouldn't be in porno's. He thinks.).

Sun Ra: Although he didn’t understand shit about American politics, or any other politics, Mr Ra’s column made an impression solely because the guy has a most amazing vocabulary. What the fuck’s sagacious mean? Does such a word even exist? He thought on another fateful day when he realized that to read Cant his repertoire of words is woefully inadequate.

Harlock: Harlock? He thinks, What makes Harlock different from the rest? Then he remembers…Rants, that’s it. Fantastic rants. Well, I liked everyone, albeit being too tall is kind-of great. Looking on people’s heads gives you a feeling of godliness.

Jasona: Disturbing conversations. A lot of them. I’ll read them to kids so they’ll be scared for life. He thinks. Someone mentioned that he wanted to get a pet for his birthday. Better tell him not to get a cat, no matter how much he wants one.

Pakeha: No matter how hard he tries he cannot think of any of Pakeha’s works. Unless the shaving of balls is taken into account. Weird fiction that’s it. Extraordinarily creepy fiction that you enjoy immensely.

Lictor: Want a masterpiece of writing on any current affairs? Lictor’s your guy. It could be anything; politics, fiction, war or beastiality. There are many more, but reading three years worth of columns takes a lot of time.

Therefore, on that fateful day, the author decided that Cant was good and the rest, as they say, is history.

Columns by OricXe