Who wanted to see Madonna’s ass? Sure, I know, some people like it but, forty year old ass! C’mon, I’m not even that perverted. Not even Freddy Kruger was as horrific as that.
Today’s article was completely planned until a couple of seconds ago. I seem to have drawn a blank. An hour ago ideas were bombarding my consciousness with such ferocity I found it hard to decide on one. There were (was) so many ideas that I can’t remember one of them, except the previous paragraph. I’ve wanted to say that for a couple of months now.
Anyway, it’s 08:35 and I have about 40 minutes to write this article. 500 words suddenly seem daunting. Would you excuse me for just a second?
I slapped myself a few times just to wake up. I cant believe it.
Blank. What the fuck? Writers block is completely foreign to me. It this what it feels like to not have anything to say (write)?
Notice how I left out the apostrophe in the fifth last sentence so that I could write this sentence and add 22 words. It also functions as a pun, which is kind of ironic, but irony is relative and I seriously doubt that that fits into the definition of ironic. I wonder if that made any sense. Anyway…
Sometimes I think I missed out on something by jumping straight from children’s into adult books. Nancy Drew and her friends seem so childish. Who would name her child Nancy Drew? Nancy Drew some flowers on the blackboard today.
People who’ve read progressively from children’s books to adult books seem to be less imaginative than those who skipped the middle rungs of the ladder. Imaginative is not the right word. I’m thinking of a word…
… Cant find it. Crazier’s not the right word either. What’s the fucking word? It probably fell down one of the orifices’ that are so handy when something needs to be remembered. Down a deep aperture, past the dungeons of dung, into a pit hole, never to be remembered again.
There it will split into individual letters, form part of the other forgotten words, to make other new words. Words similar to “sljoe” and “jaste”. They’ll pop out at the most inopportune time during a sensitive conversation. Therefore the sentence, “What the fuck did you just call me?” always seems to follow.
So I have to end here, right now. If you read this far, I congratulate myself for wasting five minutes of your time.
By the way, I remember now what I wanted to write about.
No I don’t. Why’s lying so hard?
An hour or so has elapsed since I wrote this article. In my documents folder there’s a file called “Draft of something”, I’m posting it here without many changes. Ultimately that makes this the longest article I have, and probably will, ever write and I find it disturbing that I wrote what follows.
There is something I need to tell you. Something tells me that you won’t like it a lot. Do you really want to know? Are you sure? Am I granted immunity from you suing me if what you hear does not sound agreeable to you? Should I get to the point? Yes I should so here goes.
You know about a thing called life right? Is it not agreed that since the beginning of time there has been a continuing search for the meaning of it? What if I told you this? It has no meaning. That’s right, life has no meaning. Have you ever stopped to think about it?
Look at it this way. Atheism can be considered as another type of religion. Only this time the belief is not that some kind of deity controls our lives, but that we are the only ones who can mould our destinies, therefore fate and her friends fall out of the equation. By removing that factor all control of external factors are lost and you are the only one controlling the fate of yourself.
However, if you are the master of your own destiny, the meaning of your life with respect to others would be worth nothing at most. All lives would then be equal. That is how it is right now if I’m not mistaken. Okay so look at it this way. You commit suicide and nothing really changes in the universe, simply because in the great scheme of things you don’t matter and maybe what we consider life is not all that amazing. Maybe some higher semblance of life lives in another universe that is completely foreign to us. Maybe we just want to be loved and live happy lives and die peacefully.
That’s not going to happen. I am sorry to say. You will die on the street, killed by someone you have never met for a possession you don’t really place any real sentimental value on.
Columns by OricXe