Yes I know, I know. I'm late, I know. Due to my unforeseen infection with the H5N1 virus I could not write a column on time last week. I hope that you will accept my most heartfelt apology.
I hate fake sincerity. Don't you? Anyways, I'll try not to keep you too long.
Have you ever seen a ugly person? No not someone who's ugly on the inside. What I mean is a truly physically ugly person. A person ugly solely because of genetics. Maybe not even genetics. God just decided to punish him or her because of any wrongs he or she committed in a past life.
Someone so ugly you cannot help but say, "Fuck me in the ass! He's an ugly motherfucker! I wonder if the doctor slapped his mother when he was born?"
Now don't get me wrong here. There aren't many ugly people in the world, so let's exclude some of them.
First, people with deformities are a definite no, no. They should not be labelled as ugly just because of birth defects. Secondly, there shouldn't be much difference from the person to be called ugly and a normal looking dude. Therefore, skew eyes, a nose as flat as Table Mountain, asymmetric eyes (Eg. one eye is shaped circular and the other more elliptical) obesity or any other similar symptoms (of ugliness) are excluded. The same goes for any damage that may have been done as a result of an accident or disease. There should also be no doubt that whatever this person should do to his body by way of plastic surgery or exercise, he would still remain ass ugly.
Okay, so keeping in mind all of the above I have seen but three ugly people in my life. One is a girl which I'll exclude simply because she has shitty heritage and only her parents can be blamed for copulating to produce such a monster.
The other two guys I will not describe to you because, although they are vile looking, my vocabulary doesn't enable me to express the utter atrociousness of their appearances. Also, I cannot in good faith say, or write, that another person is ugly, because at the same time someone may be saying the same thing about me and I would not want anyone to say that about me, simply because hypocrisy is a larger scourge on the world than Bush.
Columns by OricXe