OricXe - Column for 3/16


Consider for a moment a guy strolling along a dusty street. He’s wearing a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and other accessories that constitute a fully dressed person. Other than his clothes, he has no worth whatsoever. He has nothing to sell and no money to buy anything with. As he strolls on, he spots a hundred dollar in his peripheral vision entrancing him. A couple of steps later a giant grin grips his unnaturally grimy face as he picks up the bill.

Now consider a telepathic woman on the same road, stomping towards our guy. When close enough, she lifts her arm mightily high and breaks our guy’s nose with a near perfect blow. The moral fabric of our society has dissipated far too quickly. Someone should do something about it, she thinks to herself as she struts onwards to somewhere unimportant.

Let’s consider her son. The boy’s holding his mother’s hand while staring at her mildly confused. Like his mother, the boy’s also telepathic; therefore he knows what she knows and why she did it. So what if the guy wanted to get prostitute for dinner. There’s no other way someone would copulate with him. the boy thinks in a way his mother can't hear. As the they turn a corner an awful sound from an unknown source assaults their ears, bouncing along their eardrums with the ferocity of a hungry tiger.

To consider the sound will require earplugs. Earplugs that have kindly been provided by Earplugs Unheard Inc. 23 Johnson Way. Visit them for the widest range of earplugs in the world!

Now that your earplugs are installed, try to get feeling for the decibels. The ravaging sound waves’ source seems to be a small birdie blowing up a balloon with a bullhorn. It’s blue with black streaks, a brown beak is perched below the eyes, with black claws and yellow eyes. The claws are not protruding from the beak.

Anyway, consider the bullhorn. Manufactured by Hornbull limited. On the left side the warning, Do not use the bullhorn to inflate balloons. Especially if you’re a small birdie with blue feathers and yellow eyes! is engraved. The bullhorn has felt the touch of many hands before the landing in the birdie’s claws and thinks nothing of it. Why should it when the bullhorn has no conscience?

Finally, consider a man lazily strolling down a street. Without earplugs you’d hear him sobbing because his nose if broken. He was unlucky enough to be a victim of his weightlifting, telepathic wife’s judo chop. He weeps because his son saw it. The wails intensify when he thinks of the day lost his beloved bullhorn. It disappeared on the same day as his birdie.

And the $100 turned out to be counterfeit.

Columns by OricXe