I told her I loved her more than humanly possible. I said that she is and forever will be the only with ownership rights on my heart. I also expressed that the love I feel for her is never-ending. That the love I have for her fills me up like a congested freeway.
The congregation thought it was sweet. Here and there you’d be able to hear a woman or a dude (that was weird) sniffle. Many think our wedding day was the most beautiful of all the weddings they’ve ever attended or even seen on TV.
And I wasn’t just reciting something out of a book. Every single phonetic sound that would eventually morph into a word, every single syllable, even the smartly inserted pauses to allow the audience to reflect on what I disclosed, I meant.
But I digress; writing about my wedding wasn’t planned. That’s that last day I can remember being happy.
On a routine visit to my GP, he remarked that I should get one of those 3D heart scans to assess whether I’m at risk of my cardiac muscles failing. My heart turned out to be so perfect I made a wax model of the scan for her. My heart would literally be in her hand when I gave it to her.
She didn’t like it. It takes up space on the dressing table. An evil smile permeates her face every time she looks at it. Fantasising about sticking a knife through my real heart probably.
Did I forget to mention what happened after I gave it to her? She laughed gave me a hug and kissed me in the way that says she wants to do it. We do it a lot. And I do mean a lot, not because I particularly enjoy doing it so much, but she must either like having sex a lot or be an addict or something.
I think it’s the latter. A horse is better at it than I am.
I signed a pre-nup. She’s the richest person I know. Years after I started at the company she made me director. If you could see her face when she said “But you’re the best honey, you make more money for me than I do” You would know why I feel this way.
I have to go. She came in and gave me a kiss. Also said that she tore up the pre-nup. She’ll probably have a new one tomorrow. What would that be? An post-nup?
Columns by OricXe