OricXe - Column for 6/8

Thoughts of a visitor

There's something odd about dogs. Anyone who've seen the little motherfuckers will know. They're about as funny looking as a cow from Venus. The Venus cows have been voted the funniest animals in the solar system by the universe's funny animal commission. The competition's the most important as the winner's home planet will almost surely have a tourist boom after. But earth astronauts after landing on Venus, will probably die of laughter and not carbon dioxide or heat poisoning. Earth cows don't jump, but those venus cows...oh my, they jump as if their lives depend on it. Which, ironically, they do.

The gnorib from one of the planets circling Sirius B won as the funniest in the universe, by the way.

But enough of that. After much research I found that no earth animals were entered. That's not right. Earth is home to many animals that induce unstoppable laughter. Britney Spears is a fine example. It is a shame though. Until earth people are able to travel out of the solar system you'll remain the planet that's laughed at without your knowledge.

Remaining on you earth people. Do you know of the shit monster from uranus? Yes the shit monster does exist. Your shit has to go somewhere doesn't it? He plans to attack earth one day after he's grown larger than uranus. Just imagine, a giant piece of shit attacking earth. Enclosing it with every piece of feses ever excreted by every animal ever existed. My, my that does make me giggle.

It's white by the way. Shit goes white after a long time. Nor does it smell as bad as before, just a light, slightly putrid smell, that seems to be within you.

Okay, enough about shit. All the scientists studying earth have one theory that has never been disproved ever since humans started walking. People don't like shit. Why they don't it is beyond me. Life is so much better after a good shit, so how can one not like it?

Damn! There I go again. Sorry, but shit's (or popo as some like to call it. What in the name of all that is good made you want to call it that?) fascinating. Confusing questions like, “My god! Was that in my body?”, “Where the hell is it all stored?” and my favourite “If the shit smells like that, what does the shit storing place smell like after all the years of shit passing through it?” are frequent thoughts making their rounds.

Well my, my it was enjoyable talking to you. But I'm afraid I have to leave now. The shit monster is attacking soon and to be on earth when that happens isn't exactly a favourable situation. Is it?

Columns by OricXe