OricXe - Column for 8/10

Alien Attack

There’s about to be a change of circumstances for all humans. Right now, many, many severals of alien beings are floating in their humongous, earth-bound, space ship. Their mission is to fumigate earth of all life and purify it for their own alien use. Their primary weapon is the farts collected from all the alien population on the home planet.

Pure Hydrogen Sulphide smells like rotten eggs. This happens to be what the alien farts are composed of and alien scientists surmise that not many humans will be able to escape this most putrid death.

But earth has a hero. A big muscled guy that will release a kryptonite of sorts into the foul smelling aliens’ lair, killing most of them. The survivors will be infected and pass along this disease to their peers upon returning to their disgusting (to those of us who don’t like the smell of our feet anyway) alien home planet, eradicating a large chunk of the universe’s putrefaction.

Our hero is wearing a disguise by the way. A particularly nasty smelling costume, filled with car deodorizers, roll on and shaving cream. The shaving cream’s for the spontaneous hair growth the suit exhibited for no apparent reason during experiments here on earth. The discoverer of this anomaly is now living the high life as a billionaire famed for eradicating all male pattern baldness. Female patter baldness too.

As in any action movie, the hero does what he has to do, gets caught, escapes, does something life threatening, destroys the location by massive explosion, somehow manages to have escaped that explosion and has sex with a beautiful girl.

But this is not an action movie and that didn’t happen. Our hero isn’t interested in women.

Anyway, a friend(sex unknown) of his had just arrived in the nick of time with a space motorbike-thingy that our hero jumped on just as a massive explosion originating from the alien space ship fragmented the space time continuum in that area, disappearing everyone except the hero and his friend.

So, at the earth conference, reporters gawked upon hearing his exploits upon the alien vessel. Newspapers reported on his being stuck in cell with a Venus cow after capture by the master extraterrestrial. How he almost died from laughter after asking the Venus cow to jump upon the brute that had been cooped in the cell with him. Children emulated his recanting of how he’d left large bombs everywhere and survived the explosion by stealing immunity suits. And how clean he thinks earth is now.

Throughout all of this, for some unknown reason, he lost all is hair and is now forever bald.

….he is immune to the bald cure.

Columns by OricXe