OricXe - Column for 9/15

Tevor and I, a senseless, plotless, meaningless, utterly wasteful story

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Why are you so mad? I'm just masturbating! Everybody does it!"


I had just caught Tevor masturbating. It wasn't a pretty sight, but that's not what I was asking him about, because everybody does it. The reason for my outburst was the fact that he was sitting in pentagram drawn on the floor and all around him were witchlike objects.


"Not that, you dumb bitch, the pentagram and all the other witchlike stuff you have here motherfucker. Aren't you and your family supposed to be atheists?" I asked him.

"Oh, that. Well I'm just trying to invoke the devil to ask him something." He replied, "You remember that dream you had? Well, I had the same dream. I'm quite sure it was the devil and I just want to find out if it is really him and what he wants with us. Besides I rejected my religion a long time ago and now I believe in heaven, hell and all that goes along with it."

"Son of a assfucking weasel, that's the dumbest motherfucking thing I have ever heard! What I the name of all fuck does masturbating have to do with it?"

"You should really stop swearing you know. It's getting irritating."

"Okay, no more swearing for the rest of this fucking story. Shit! I shouldn't have said Fucking! Fuck! Son of a mother-" Tevor had covered my mouth because I would be going on the whole day. He sat down and continued.

"Well", Tevor said, "I got this book from the library that said that I have to draw pentagrams and stuff and then do all sorts of incantations to invoke the devil. I thought that masturbating would make it seem more interesting and the devil would pay more attention to me than some other people who might want to contact him."


I was suddenly interested. That dream still haunted me. I had replayed it a million times. Sometimes I thought that it was God come here to punish me for all the swearing I've been doing by making himself seem like the devil. God knows I should stop watching South Park. Which I did, but then I saw the movie and the swearing ballooned to a whole new level. And then there was-


Reader: Would you please fucking get on with the story!


"What about two people doing it? Would that make the devil pay us a visit faster?" , the words came from me.

"Yes, actually it would, the more people chanting, the less time it takes for the devil to show up."

"Okay so let's get on with it."


We did what we did and after ten minutes the room started shaking. Puffs of smoke appeared out of nowhere. I thought that the room was rising.   I could see the fear in Tevor's face as the room suddenly started to move down. It sank like and elevator. Straight into the depths of hell.


Lucifer floated in the air above us. I laughed, laughed my ass out. My stomach dislodged from itself. I could feel myself dying from laughter. The sheer joy. HAHAHAHA! I screamed\laughed almost excreted brown stuff from the extreme unexpectedness of it all.


Why was I laughing you ask? Mr. Lucifer was a rat with a cow's behind.


Continued next week.

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