OricXe - Column for 9/22

Lots o' Holes

“What do you want!?” The devil asked us.
“Nothing, sir.” I said timidly, “We just wanted to ask you why you were such a prominent figure in our dreams?”
“Oh that.” Lucifer said, “I just did it for the fun of it. It brings joy to my nights. Plus it is somewhat erotic.”
“So you used us just for your erotic fulfilment?” Tevor said.
“Yes, that and I wanted to get you here so that I could meet the wonderful Tevor.”
“What the-” That would be me saying that.
“You see”, Satan continued. He had by now assumed the gruesome form that is the domain of bad horror movies and no longer had the laughable form, “Your friend is one of the most amazing people on earth. He has single-handedly killed more people in his ten years than other psychopaths who have killed their whole lives. He is a prodigy. A son I wish I had. The son I will take!”
“But you can’t do that” Tevor now “I still have my whole life to live and do the things that I want to do like drinking beer or arriving home drunk and urinating in the cupboard. Don’t you want to at least grant me that?” Thoroughly confused I said, “Hello, what the fuck is going on here. Since when have you killed people! How many have you killed and why, Mr. Devil aren’t you wearing any clothes?”

“Oh” said Tevor, “I forgot that you were the main character in this story. I’ve had this syndrome since I’ve been born. K1llermand’essyndrome. I think that’s what they call it. ‘Shown by the remarkable quality to want to murder anyone that offends the person in any way, whatsoever’. What you think happened to my mother? She didn’t clean my diaper well enough so I did her.”
Still confused I asked, “So why haven’t you killed me? I’ve offended and made fun of you so many times. Why not me?”
“Because you’re one of those people that it is just impossible to kill. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried. Do you remember the day the toilet bowl shattered under your ass? Or the time your father’s car burst into flames while you were trapped in it? That would be me.”
“Goddammit!” I screamed “You son of $%^!@$%^*&*(@#$%!@#$%$%^” Imagine the words cause I don’t feel like typing them. Anyway the devil butted in and said that it was time for Tevor to join him at his side and be the right hand of the prince of darkness. He lifted a vile finger, stuck it into Tevor’s head and my friend disappeared into places unknown.
“So what’s going to happen to me now?” I asked Satan fearfully.
“I’m just going to kill you.” Replied Lucifer matter-of-factly.
“Why would you want to do that? Don’t I get a last request or something? What happened to God? Where’s He?”
“I am Him” Lu was speaking, “God is just a creation of mine that I made to control humans better. If only I existed than there would be so much less sin in the world. So I created God and made him seem like the creator of all the things in the universe. Humans opposed the authority figure just as I expected and as a result I am and the uncontested ruler and leader of all things on earth. But now my dear, OricXe you have to die.”

I died on that day only ten years old.

‘So how can you write a story if you’ve died?’ you ask? Well I am the most gifted person in the world. I always have a spare body in a closet at my house just in case I get killed. When I die my consciousness gets transferred into the new body. The only thing is I can never remember how I died. Or who did it.

Columns by OricXe