1 bone-weary moderate
1 (fifty pound) bag of vulgarisms, peeled, chopped, and fermented
2 gallons cynicism
1 cube spite
2 cups bile
1 dash mischief
6.314 billion (approx.) the whole rest of the fucking world
1. Combine all ingredients on a dirt clod orbiting a star.
2. Knead mixture until forearms ache and you want to just go out and buy a god damned loaf of bread instead.
3. Rant about vegetarianism for a bit:
Not eating flesh can be a noble thing. Folks can be lead to it by a sincere and personal desire to improve the world. Sometimes eschewing dead animal can be a matter of simple preference. I know a few people who just don't like the taste of meat or who are just plain disgusted by the idea of eating animal bits. Biting broccoli can be an aspect of your religion. A coworker of mine is a Jain vegetarian, which means she also doesn't eat onion or garlic. Whatever floats your boat, folks. More power to you all.
However, if you feel the need to proselytize, please go fuck yourself until raw, tattered, and leaking bodily fluids. I eat meat not because I'm ignorant. I eat meat because it is one of life's paradoxes that I choose to live with. I realize that a living, breathing, feeling animal had to be raised in a factory and brutally slaughtered in order to put this hunk of meat on my plate at a price I was willing to pay. I have picked other battles to wage. So take your patronizing, sanctimonious attitude and cram it into your brawny, spotless rectum.
Don't try the "you'll live a longer, healthier life" argument on me. Just exactly how fucking stupid are you? I can poke holes in that pitiful attempt at reasoning that are large enough to drop a sumo wrestler through. To wit: I thought that a major point of your vegetarian philosophy was to minimize an individual's impact on the planet? If I live longer, that's so many more years during which I'm financing oil companies by driving cars, polluting the air and damming rivers by continuing to use electricity, buying the cheapest T-shirts I can find sewn in sweatshops by legions of pregnant 13-year-old slave children, and generally butt raping the planet by my very existence.
And don't hit me with the "meat production sucks up so many resources that could otherwise be used to feed the starving children" argument either. There's a logical flaw big enough to push Chris Farley, John Candy, and John Belushi's bloated corpses through. Maybe we should do the world a favor and push Jim Belushi's corpse through as well. You see, non-starving children tend to grow old enough to breed and there's a good chance that they'll spawn in prodigious numbers very soon after their hormones kick in. This produces many more mouths to feed. In a few short generations we're talking exponentially more mouths. So if the environment that hatched their parents wasn't able to keep them from starving to death, where in the hell are they going to get all the food for the next generation or the next?
To head off this disaster, I'm sure you would like to suggest education and other such humanitarian aid to bring those poor, ignorant peasants out of their squalor and teach them how to be good world citizens, just like you, you sick, deluded, twisted fuck. Go take your back-to-the-future, bigoted, 19th century paternalism and… oh, just fuck yourself.
No, actually, I have a better idea. In order to truly minimize your impact on the planet, go find a secluded spot and shoot yourself in the head. I'm sure a hungry bear, coyote, or buzzard wouldn't turn their nose up at your grain-fed carcass.
4. Let mixture rise. If not risen before you get impatient, add 500 grams Viagra.
5. Poke at mixture with forefinger just for fun.
6. Digress for 37 words on the subject of grammar:
The prescriptive grammar cock suckers who demand that all sentences not end with a preposition are all assholes.
Also, those who ban split infinitives outright are coprophagic ingrates who pimp their mothers out as vaginal goat masturbators.
7. Preheat oven to Circle VIII, Region 3 (or set microwave oven to Simoniacs).
8. Sauté onions until entire house smells like sautéed onions.
9. Fry something that spatters. Continue until smoke alarm sounds.
10. Whip bile into froth while writing about guns:
Guns are a fact of life in this country. We have as much of a chance making cocaine or heroin disappear from our open society as we do guns, even after that pile of shit Patriot Act. Despite this, a large number of people are under the delusion that they can legislate the issue away. If we get enough Schumers, Feinsteins, and Kennedys together, the issue will magically evaporate. Wake the fuck up, people. An outright ban on firearms just would not work. What is that I hear? Can you really be trotting out that "only 19 people murdered with guns in Japan in 1998 while the U.S. had 31,000" bullshit? Really, what is the point of bringing that up? It's not an argument or a reason. It's an observation. Here, I'll give you some more observations. The United States is not Japan, an island nation of massively homogenous population. Japanese police regularly raid homes on the mere suspicion of having weapons. I can hear the ACLU gnashing their teeth already. How about this one: "in the years since 1998, Japan's suicide numbers have topped the 30,000 mark annually." So, even if we could somehow make the United States exactly like Japan in order to reap the benefits of a nearly total gun ban, we would be trading 31,000 gun deaths for 67,000 suicides, based on a simple calculation of population. Doesn't that sound silly? Oh, and by the way, how the hell were those 19 people murdered anyway? Japanese citizens are prohibited from owning rifles and handguns. If you want to own a shotgun or air rifle, you'd better ready yourself for regular colonoscopy by your local police department. So even with a society that largely subordinates the desires of the individual to the common good and mega-tough laws, people still get shot dead. That means, in our Pollyanna/Dystopian United States of Japan, 42 people would still get capped. Bummer.
Don't even get started on "assault rifles." If you'd just pull your head out of your ass for a moment, you might come to understand that what most folks refer to as an assault rifle is merely an ugly semiautomatic rifle. An assault rifle has the ability to fire more than one shot for each pull of the trigger. This sort of weapon has been strictly regulated since 1934. The semiautomatic versions of assault rifles give you one bang for each pull of the trigger. If it's even possible to convert one of these semiautomatic rifles into a fully fledged assault rifle, the parts to do it are as strictly regulated as the assault rifles themselves. Despite urban myths to the contrary, your average idiot is highly likely to destroy his weapon if he's criminally stupid enough to try to convert it. What about the sophisticated criminal? They probably have suppliers who can get them Steyr AUG A1s, Stinger missiles, and underage Cambodian prostitutes, so a full-auto Ruger Mini-14 isn't too high on their wish list. A gun that looks like an assault rifle might give the wielder a bigger hard on, but you can't kill that many more schoolchildren with an HK93 than with a Remington 7400. If fact, you might be able to down more if you chose the 7400 in 30-06. Why the fuss over "assault rifles"? They're black and ugly and therefore make easier targets. Why not ban all semiautomatic firearms? Well, because that would be silly. What exactly would it accomplish? I'm sure that a few politicians would love to add that to their résumé. Some folks would have a ball thumbing their noses at the NRA. But in the end, the good guys would dutifully hand over their weapons. And the bad guys? Well, I guess the thugs in Oakland would just start shooting each other with pre-'64 Model 70s and black powder muskets. Machetes might come back into vogue. Wackos would have to resort to swords and pointy sticks in the McDonalds massacres of this semiautoless future.
So what's the solution? I have no idea. I do know that if it weren't for the mindless zealotry of conservative morons who consider firearm ownership a god-given right, we might have sensible policy. If it weren't for the knee-jerk revulsion of liberal morons citing "public safety" and "national security" who try to ban anything that looks even remotely like a gun, including Bristle Block pistols fashioned by kindergarteners, we might have sensible policy. If we didn't have hoards of beer-soaked redneck assholes and legions of punk-ass little urban gang-banger cunt heads waving guns around like surrogate dicks, we might have sensible policy. If we didn't have unctuous politicians playing on the base fears of their constituency, we might have sensible policy. But we do and we won't.
11. Bake for 50 minutes or however long it takes you to realize that it's never going to firm up.
12. Go to Taco Bell and try to eat a chalupa without gagging.
Pakeha