Encounter at Flatus
By
Pakeha
Based on characters and situations
created (and raped) by
George Lucas
1 SPACE
A star field fills the screen as a back-drop for the MAIN TITLE, then a ROLL-UP, which crawls into infinity.
Episode XIII I/X
...It is a time of great self-satisfaction. The galaxy is generally a happy place again. The last smoldering vestiges of the Empire have been swept aside. The Jedi are ascendant. And Gungans breed very, very slowly.
One of the stars in the background slowly resolves itself into a spacecraft headed towards the camera.
PAN LEFT to follow the craft, which looks exactly like a chromed dildo with wings, to reveal an earth-like planet. It is the tundra moon of B'Endo-Ver.
2 EXT B'ENDO-VER - OUTSKIRTS OF FLATUS
Sparse white clouds fill a blue sky. The chromed ship glints and gleams in the daylight.
3 INT GOB'S CRUISER - COCKPIT
CLOSEUP of ODD GOBSTOBBER, a Jedi knight, as he pilots his cruiser through the atmosphere. Odd's hair is slicked back and pulled into a tight ponytail shown as he looks searchingly through the cockpit view panels. A thin, John-Waters-style mustache sits on his upper lip like a road-killed caterpillar.
4 EXT B'ENDO-VER - OUTSKIRTS OF FLATUS
We follow Odd's cruiser as it spins in for a smoothly elaborate landing. The surrounding countryside is flat and rather drab with low hills sweeping off into the distance. Think "Highlands of Scotland".
A hatch pops seamlessly from the bottom of the craft and a ladder extends to the ground. After a few moments of engine wind-down and a bit of smoky steam, Odd climbs down the ladder and takes a few steps forward.
CLOSEUP of Odd looking a bit disgusted.
ODD
Fuck.
A thumping sounds behind Odd. He turns back and walks to the rear of the ship. The thumping happens again, this time obviously from the ship. Odd reaches up and presses something unseen on the hull. Seamless bomb-bay-style doors open and a figure drops to the ground. It is Guber Knutt, Odd's padawan learner.
GUBER
Oof!
ODD
How was your trip, Padawan?
GUBER
A little cramped, Master.
ODD
A Jedi must transcend physical discomfort. Only by maintaining ridiculous lotus-like positions for hours can you truly begin to feel the Force flowing through you.
GUBER
But can't you at least put in a requisition for a cruiser with some passenger room?
ODD
My padawan, you're lucky we have a cruiser with a pressurized luggage compartment. Come, brush yourself off and stretch your legs. Let's see what these provincial bastards have prepared for us.
GUBER
No welcoming party?
ODD
Not even an Allurian whore to greet us.
GUBER
Doesn't bode well, Master.
ODD
No shit, my padawan.
5 EXT B'ENDO-VER - FLATUS TOWN GATE
Odd and Guber stand before a massive, weathered wooden gate in a palisade wall. Odd knocks on the gate. A small hatch pops open.
HATCH GUARD
Tu taunna no watta?
ODD
Don't you people speak Galactic Standard in this mudhole?
HATCH GUARD
Yot cho!
ODD
Possibly, but at least I know who my father was! Run along and get your chief. She'll know why we're here.
HATCH GUARD
Fleef plobot tow!
ODD
Good day to you. (sotto voce) Ignorant hayseed buggers.
GUBER
I have a bad feeling about this.
ODD
Guber, you always have a bad feeling about everything. You're so damned suspicious and gloomy. I tell you, if you added more fiber to your diet you'd feel a lot better. You'd spend less time sitting on the pot, that's for damned sure.
GUBER
Yes, Master. Master, why do you think the Council has sent us to the galactic rim on this errand?
ODD
Well, my padawan, you'll soon come to learn that the Council are a bunch of holier-than-thou, bureaucratic pencil-levitators. They send knights out to cut a few limbs off, trick a few simple minds, and generally reinforce the common folk's awe of the Jedis. Otherwise, the galaxy would spin just fine without us.
GUBER
Interesting, Master. Yoda said...
ODD
Padawan, I've made it quite clear that I don't give a shit what that pointy-eared little sodomite had to say. He's dead and meanwhile we're in this armpit of a place. Focus, boy. Watch me closely. And for fuck's sake, don't open your mouth.
The gate creaks open. BASKARAN TRANQUEBAR stands in the opening. She is a short furry creature with very large cat eyes and a huge marketing potential.
BASKARAN
Ah, Jedi Gobstopper. Your reputation precedes you.
ODD
Chief Baskaran. I trust the majority of what you've heard is charitable.
BASKARAN
Odd Gobstopper: Jedi University, year 122, graduated dead last in your class. Only Jedi to have his lightsaber explode...
ODD
A good thing I left it in that bar, too.
BASKARAN
...taking out four city blocks. At least three padawan have died while in your charge. Death sentence on 14 systems, an addict, a drunk, and a notorious cocksman.
ODD
Before you start feeling too superior, Chief, what do you think it says about the Council's regard for you and your backwater planet that they sent me?
Baskaran gestures to her right and left. Two large, ugly, bipedal, non-furry guards with tiny little eyes step out of the shadows and through the gates toward the Jedi. They are holding primitive handcuffs.
BASKARAN
Engage the shackles.
GUBER
Master?
ODD
Relax, my padawan. It's all part of the negotiation. Before we enter the town, we need to be shackled. Prevents us from grabbing their menfolk or somesuch nonsense.
6 EXT B'ENDO-VER - EXECUTION ARENA
Odd and Guber are now shackled to wooden posts, their arms over their heads. The posts are driven into the dirt floor of a massive area. The din from the screaming crowd of bloodthirsty-yet-cute fuzzy aliens is deafening.
GUBER
I have a bad feeling about this.
ODD
Damn it, Guber!
GUBER
Sorry, Master.
ODD
Just relax. I know what I'm doing.
A metallic shriek sounds above the roar of the crowd as a portcullis is raised. A very large, not-cute slug creature undulates into the area. Its lamprey jaws of concentric teeth pulsate and drip with gobs of mucus.
ODD
OK. My padawan, I want you to clear your mind of everything, especially that great slug beast that is looking forward to stripping the flesh off our bones.
GUBER
(eyes closed) Uh, yes, Master.
ODD
Good boy. Deep breath. Now, concentrate on the small compartment at my left forearm. No! My other left, you... concentrate. Deep breath. Good.
GUBER
I see capsules, Master.
ODD
Fantastic. Now, I'm going to open the compartment and you just float one of those pills into my mouth and one into yours.
GUBER
Yes, Master.
Odd pops the compartment open and pills drop to the dirt.
ODD
Come on, boy.
The slug beast is drawing closer, leaving an oddly luminous trail of slime in the arena stage. The pills levitate hesitantly from the ground towards their mouths. Odd gobbles his with obvious relief.
GUBER
Have we taken a drug, Master? A suicide pill?
ODD
Guber, you silly twat. We just took midi-chlorian supplements. With our newly enhanced Force sense, we can now find our lightsabers and get the hell out of here.
GUBER
Good thinking, Master!
ODD
Shut up and find our laser swords.
The Jedi furrow their brows. The slug beast is nearly upon them. The roar of the crowd intensifies.
ODD
Those twisted buggers!
7 EXT B'ENDO-VER - ARENA STANDS, ROYAL BOX
The box is filled with regally attired fuzzy aliens. Baskaran sits in the front center of the group. The two fuzzy aliens flanking Baskaran jump up from their seats with a yelp. Two lightsabers pop up from behind them.
PAN RIGHT as the lightsabers swoop down into the arena towards the bound Jedi.
8 EXT B'ENDO-VER - EXECUTION ARENA
The lightsabers fly into the outstretched hands of the Jedi with a wet splat.
ODD
Those twisted buggers! Use my lightsaber as a suppository, will they? Now they will experience some of the more naughty aspects of the Force!
Odd switches on his lightsaber. The blade is a nearly invisible blue haze (it emits mostly ultraviolet light). He slices through his shackles with a shower of sparks. Guber has already activated his psychedelic lightsaber and is busily hacking away at the slug beast.
9 EXT B'ENDO-VER - ARENA STANDS, ROYAL BOX
BASKARAN
Oh crap.
10 EXT B'ENDO-VER - EXECUTION ARENA
Odd and Guber stand panting, covered in luminous slime. The slug beast lies smoldering behind them.
ODD
Baskaran! You perverted little coprophile! Prepare yourself for a laser enema... Jedi style!
Pakeha