This has probably been asked before, but I have to ask it for myself: Who cuts Superman's hair?
I once read Larry Niven's treatise on the possible complications of Superman's/Clark Kent's love life. To whit: The orgasm is involuntary. Superman is super strong. Therefore, "Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet."
All very amusing and sensational, but I'm wondering about more mundane matters.
Ever bit of Superman is practically invulnerable, even his suit and cape. Therefore, every hair on his head would just ruin even the finest, sharpest German-crafted shears.
He doesn't sport a mullet. He doesn't let his coiffure grow into a nappy, natty head of dreads. Lasers would be no good. Waterjet or abrasive-jet cutters would be just as ineffective and much messier. I'd be interested to see if an electron-beam welder made any dent at all.
So what does he do?
Maybe he employs his super-fingernails and clips each hair individually. At first, I thought this might be too laborious, but being Superman, he'd be able to give himself a pinch-cut in nothing flat. For some reason, this technique fits pretty well with my conservative, fastidious image of Superman.
I'll bet you could use a strand of his hair like those monomolecular blades I'm always reading about and wish I had. Just imagine how much easier trimming the hedge could be with a strand of superhair stretched between spring-loaded arms like a wishbone. Superman's hair would make one hell of a cheese slicer, let me tell you.
Superman could sell his hair like the poor women of many places and times. Of course, Superman would be able to sell his hair for a huge premium to industry.
If Superman grew it out really long and you gathered enough of it, you might be able to fashion super-rope for towing crude oil tankers or planets or something.
But of course, to optimize the length of the strands, Superman would have to practice some forcible self-depilation.
But would that leave the Man of Steel bald? Then there would be so much less distinguishing the Man of Steel from his arch-nemesis Lex Luthor.
So all of this might work for his head, but what about Superman's beard? He can't be letting Superman grow a Miami-Vice style stubble just to give his fingernails some purchase. That would be unseemly. Lois would probably drop a scruffy Clark Kent like a rock… or jump his bones only to be shot to death by supersonic gobs of Superman's supermanly rice pudding.
Maybe the Gillette company custom fabricates for him a ten-bladed, battery-powered monster of a safety razor with three gel strips and a squeegee, each blade edged with a micro-thin layer of green kryptonite. The R&D on the razor would only help Gillette in its Race to the Moon with other masculine hygiene companies. Of course, "the moon" here is a 300-bladed paddle that you wear like a glove and rub over your face while you try to breathe through the streams of aloe goo spurting everywhere.
Does he have any facial hair at all? Is Superman's chiseled, macho chin actually as smooth as a pre-hormone FTM's buttock?
Anyway, it's all food for thought.
Go chew it over.
Pakeha