Pakeha - Column for 8/12

Assorted Coprolites

Excreted and fossilized for your consideration:


May your balls shrivel to the size of sultanas!

May your daughter's back never see the light of day!

May the road rise to meet you as you endo over the handlebars
May the wind be always at your back so everyone downwind can smell your farts
May the sun shine warm upon your face because that's the only part of your body you can feel after your endo,
The rains fall soft upon your fields of ripe crops, ruining the year's harvest
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of His handů the same God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. (with thanks to Jonathan Edwards)

Thoughts on the Recently Announced Title of Star Wars: Episode II

(Smokey Robinson, Tears of a Clown)

Now if there's a smile on his face,
it's only there tryin' to fool the public,
but when it comes down to foolin' us;
Now honey, that's quite a different subject.

But don't let his glad expression
give you the wrong impression.
Really it's bad.
Oh, badder than bad.
It's sucks that his writin's so sad.
With his clones we pretend to be glad.

Now there's some sad things known to man,
but ain't too much sadder than
these years for a clone
and FX overblown.

Oh yea, baby...

Now if he appears to be carefree,
it's only to camouflage its badness.
In order to shield our pride we try
to cover this hurt with a show of gladness.

But don't let his show convince you
that you've been happy since you
decided to go
stand in line for that show.
We're hurt and we want him to know
that his characters blow.

There's some sad things known to man,
but ain't too much sadder than
this queer and his clone.
Next he'll cast Sy Stallone.

He has Portman bone that kid
with no talent for what he did.
smiling and yelling "Yippee!"
and then puts on the marquee
the raid of a clone.
The whole thing makes me groan.

Oh yea baby,

Now if there's a smile on his face
don't let his glad expression
give you the wrong impression.
Don't let this smile he wears
make you think that he cares.
Really we're sad
payin' like mad
to fund this whole fad.
Bring the mattress pad
to wait in line with the scad
of poor folks who've been had
by this talentless cad...

(Stephen Sondheim, Send in the Clowns)

Isn't he rich?
And all that hair!
Lucas at last gone to ground
Writing with flair
Send in the clones

What the hell's this?
We don't approve!
Why is he screwing around?
With our Force groove?
Why are there clones?
Send out the clones

Just when I'd reached cinema doors
Finally seeing that Special Edition of yours
Making his entrance again with CGI blare
Standing in lines
Nothing was there

Don't you love farce?
Jar Jar, I fear
He thought you'd want what he writes--
Sorry, my dear
And why are there clones?
Quick, write out the clones!
Don't bother, they're here

Isn't he rich?
He must be queer.
Losing his talent this late
In his career?
And why are there clones?
There should not be clones
Well, maybe next year...


Columns by Pakeha