Dang.

I've watched some entertaining and thoughtful columns pop up over the last week or so.

Impending parenthood and housework has kept my brain from operating quite the way I want it to. My reading has tailed off sharply. My writing, as evidenced by my lack of columns here, has dropped off a cliff.

I've been coaxing a few columns along, both fiction and commentary, but they're chunky and they refuse to flow. I tried a rant a couple weeks ago, hoping that a flurry of barbs and blades would smooth things out, but I must've forgotten to set the lid on tightly, because I just ended up with a big mess.

Anyhoo, my wife just came from the doctor's office with all sorts of squicky details about the state of her cervix. Our daughter is definitely on her way. She's even swung herself into the optimal head-down position. I hope this is an indication of her sweet, obliging nature. So whether she obliges us further by showing up on her due date of the 22nd or the doctor follows through with the plan to induce on the 24rd, we're going to have a new baby in the household next week.

Luckily my wife and I agree that there's nothing beautiful about childbirth. It's all a very sweaty, bloody, grunty, biological process. I listen to my wife scoff heartily as she reads some of the fashionable, New-Agey bullshit about the mother pulling the baby out and resting the newborn on her belly with the umbilical cord still attached so that she and her child can revel in the final moments of their physical connection. You have my permission to gag now. So we're not big into self-deception about the "miracle" of birth, but we also both agree that the end result can be miraculous. Little people are cool. Your very own little people add whole new dimensions to life, both high and low.

For example, I've never been quite as panicked and freaked out as I was that first night our son stayed with us in the hospital room. He started squalling and my heart rate shot up and the adrenaline gushed. After much practice, I've grown more adept at controlling that first gut response. Hopefully, I'll have it all down when our daughter arrives.

At least one thing in our lives is completely, 100% ready for the new baby. We finished my son's room last weekend.

You may remember the epic list that I posted some time ago with every task broken down into atomic detail. I remember some folks arguing that I had actually gotten down to the unnecessary level of quarks, leptons, and bosons. Whatever the case, I'm proud to announce that the room and the hallway are done, not nearly done, not done except for a few little touchups, but absolutely done.

Here's the list. Note that the only item not stricken is "Celebrate". Harlock and family will be helping us with that one tonight.

1. Get computer desk
2. Assemble desk
3. Move computer
4. Clear out furniture
5. Clear out wall hangings
6. Shop for materials
7. Turn off breaker #5
8. Remove window blind
9. Remove double doors
10. Remove outlet/switch plates/vent cover
11. Remove closet top trim
12. Install light box and wire
13. Remove baseboard molding
14. Remove double door moldings
15. Remove double door frame
16. Measure and mark centerpoint of ceiling
17. Install light box and wire
18. Remove wallboard
19. Remove switches and outlets
20. Remove/replace switch and outlet boxes
21. Run copper wire in non-door walls
22. Solder copper to supply aluminum and push joint up into attic
23. Cut sole plate for old door opening
24. Cut cross beam thingy for old door opening
25. Dig out rot, drill holes, and apply epoxy
26. Cut notches in head and sole plate for angle brace
27. Cut studs to length for old door opening
28. Notch studs for angle brace
29. Cut old cross beam for new door opening
30. Build header
31. Remove rightmost stud (facing door wall from inside)
32. Install king stud for door opening
33. Remove center stud for door opening
34. Cut sole plate for new door opening
35. Install header
36. Cut/install jack studs
37. Cut/install top cripple studs
38. Cut opening for door in outside wallboard
39. Attach outside wallboard to edges around door
40. Cut/install fireblocks
41. Install door
42. Install switchbox in door wall
43. Install remaining outlet box in door wall
44. Drill hole in door wall top plate for light wire
45. Run light wire down to switchbox
46. Install insulation in non-door walls
47. Install metal plates at corner where wire is too close to edge of studs
48. Clean up edges of ceiling wallboard
49. Trim closet wallboard
50. Trim window wallboard
51. Solder length of copper wire to remaining aluminum in closet wall
52. Replace remaining outlet box in closet wall
53. Secure wires in non-door walls with staples
54. Cut/install wallboard for non-door walls
55. Install sole plate in old door opening
56. Install angle brace and studs in old door opening
57. Drill holes through studs in old door opening for wire
58. Run wire through studs in old door opening to outlet box
59. Run wire from outlet box to switch box
60. Secure remaining wires with staples
61. Cut/install wallboard for remaining exposed wall, inside and out
62. Cut inside opening for new door (cut when installing top piece of wallboard)
63. Install outlets and switch
64. Sand old closet doors smooth
65. Level edges of wallboard around window
66. Measure extent of crown molding on ceiling and scrape popcorn to make clearance
67. Get crown molding (measure, buy)
68. Get baseboard molding (measure, interior/exterior, buy or find in garage)
69. Get door molding (measure, buy or find in garage)
70. Get closet trim to hide door track (measure, buy)
71. Get trim for under window sill (measure, buy)
72. Buy painting materials (primer, color coats, brushes, pans, rollers, etc.)
73. Lay drop cloth
74. Clear out closet
75. Fill in screw heads and holes
76. Fill in large gaps
77. Bevel butt joints in wallboard
78. Tape wallboard
79. Sand joints as necessary
80. Mask everything not to be painted/covered in texturing (including overhead light)
81. Mask off door hinges/remove door hardware
82. Prime wallboard (roller)
83. Texture wallboard
84. Paint first finish coat on walls
85. Paint final finish coat on wall
86. Prime trim over closet
87. Paint trim over closet
88. Install trim over closet
89. Prime trim under windowsill
90. Paint finish coat on trim under windowsill
91. Install trim under windowsill
92. Fix dents in windowsill
93. Sand seam in windowsill
94. Paint finish coat on windowsill
95. Prime crown molding
96. Paint finish coat on crown molding
97. Install crown molding
98. Sand closet doors
99. Paint first finish coat on closet doors
100. Paint final finish coat on closet doors
101. Reinstall door so that it works
102. Paint finish coat on door trim
103. Install trim around door
104. Paint finish coat on baseboard molding
105. Install baseboard molding in room
106. Paint final finish coat on door
107. Touch up paint in room
108. Fix nail pops in hall
109. Fix holes in hall
110. Fix chips in door
111. Fill in nail holes
112. Tape hall wall
113. Prime hall wall
114. Texture hall wall
115. Paint hall wall
116. Install baseboard molding in hall
117. Install covers for switches and outlets
118. Install light
119. Cut door threshold to size
120. Finish door threshold
121. Install door threshold
122. Install window shade
123. Install window treatments
124. Vacuum/shampoo/vacuum carpet
125. Move furniture in
126. Celebrate

Pakeha

Columns by Pakeha