Ladies and Gentlemen,It has been an exciting year to be President of DalCorp. Our profits were up thirty-eight percent over last year, our third year of consecutive profit growth. We are once again the industry leader in twelve of the fifteen product categories we compete in; our acquisition of HT Systems is complete and has expanded our product line and resulted in significant synergies and cost efficiencies.
The five keys to our success are stated in our company motto: Quality, Uncompromising Integrity, Talent, Technical Expertise, and Reliability. None of our competitors offer the quality that we do because we know that quality is the cornerstone of our reputation. Our customers and suppliers further prefer us because they can rely absolutely on our integrity. The quality of our products and the integrity of our business practices are what makes us DalCorp.
Because of this, we are able to hire and retain the very best people. DalCorp's CPI policy, where each year we dismiss the least effective ten percent of our staff, is a model for the industry. The talent and technical expertise of DalCorp are the world's best.
Which supports our fifth key, reliability. DalCorp will always be there. Our products work and keep on working, and our service personnel are available twenty-four seven to insure that they do. People buy DalCorp because DalCorp is the very best.
Or, ha ha, perhaps because DalCorp is the only.
Boring stuff, huh? Well, I think we have shaken off the small investors now. Ah, the small investor. The backbone of capitalism. Except, of course, the dumb fucks are in it for the quick buck and don't know shit about the companies they are investing in. And the big investors are hardly any better. They don't give two drips from a leper's dick about us either, except for our stock price. They want profits, they want growth, all so that their worth on paper will climb. No one gives a damn about what we actually do. Trillions of dollars floating around and none of it is investing at all. It's all gambling, and they want us to stack the decks.
Which means that we, the management, can do what we damn well please. And, let me tell you, it's fucking great. You think Enron was an aberration? You think Parmalat was? Shit, half the companies - the real companies, the big ones, not your mom-and-pop individual owner small business shit, they are just meat like anyone else - in the world are doing that sort of thing. Cozy backroom deals. Golden parachutes. It's how business is run, because we're the only ones running the business.
And all we really need to know is marketing. Did you read that shit I spewed at the top? Of course not - if you had, you certainly aren't reading this far down. But do, have a look at it. What a crock.
DalCorp is a success because we crush everyone in our way. Quality! Ha! Enough to keep us out of the papers, no more. Hell, we want things to break so people have to buy more. It's about profit, you dumb assholes. You can buy your product from DalCorp or buy it from Wellben Industries or... or... shit, that's it! Someone just bought HT Systems - wait it was us! Ha! And I had dinner with the CEO of Wellben last night! He wants to implement CPI for them, too.
I told him to go for it, gave him some pointers. What a great way to keep the sheep in line - where else are they gonna work? Now that we have our man in the White House, it's not like the meat are ever going to have access to a job market like that nineties bullshit again. God, he's worth every penny. The average new worker costs us nine thousand less a year than at the start of the decade.
Not that we at DalCorp are relying solely on the job market. No, we love CPI - keeps them all terrified for their jobs, lets us get sixty and eighty hour weeks out of them, never a raise, and they just thank their lucky stars they are still employed.
And, just like the consumer, they can go to us or they can to Wellben or they can sling patties at Mickey D's.
God, Adam Smith must be spinning in his grave. All those dumb fucks who think they know shit about capitalism - capitalism eats itself. Capitalism is the start of the race. Once you get going, one or two companies will become powerful enough to squelch all competition. And we've done so. That's the natural order of things. Competition is for suckers.
Sure, the government could step in and keep capitalism going, maybe, keep some competition in the world - except, of course, that we simply buy them too. And we did. They're ours. Lock, stock, and soundbite. Especially now of course - the Dems are in our pockets too, sure, but we only owned them locally. Politician by politician. That wasn't getting us what we wanted, was it? But the Republicans - oh, those lovely organized obedient Republicans, I especially love the 'hold your nose and vote party line' sorts - well, we own them wholesale. House, Senate, and President.
And our marketing keeps it that way! Our pals in the half-dozen companies that give the meat everything they see and hear are doing a bang-up job. They don't let them see or hear anything but what we want them to see and hear. The consumer isn't just meat, he's processed meat. Shaped and formed. Even if they could think, they make all their decisions based on "facts" from us.
Did you catch that recent bit on Fox News (snort) where they said that FDR actually wanted the phase-out of Social Security! That was fucking hilarious - and what, half the electorate believed it! God, these people.
I fucking love this country.
Sure, we fucked things up with the Depression. Let the idiots actually start running things, let them pass laws to beef up the middle class, to give the poor a chance at the game. But we're fixing that, now. The natural order of things, my friends, is a moneyed aristocracy on top of a sea of rabble. It's what God always intended.
And that is why DalCorp is and will continue to be successful.
Shit, I think I got into the martinis too early. Well, no matter. The boys in marketing will clean this up. Hop to it, boys! You don't want to be part of the ten percent!
- Sun Ra
Columns by Sun Ra