Greetings!
In an effort to keep Cant at the forefront of public opinion, I'd like to use this column to introduce a new system we (okay, I) have developed, by which you, the public, can be kept aware of our (okay, my) all-important opinion on various subjects.
Yes, we're going to start rating things.
Sure, rating things is nothing new. Roger Ebert does it, GameSpy does it, Lore Sjoberg does it. (Note that all of those sites save Lore's generate annoying pop-up ads.) However, they all use abstract, number (or letter) based rating systems. This is fine if you are comparing two things, but really doesn't convey a visceral, physical sense of how good or how terrible something is, on its own merits. You have to compare the rating of the unknown thing against that of something you've experienced that has also been rated, and who has time for that, these days?
Not us.
But, in the interest of saving your valuable time, we (okay, just assume it's the royal "we" from here on) here at Cant have developed - scientifically, of course - a ratings system that you can immediately understand without reference to complex numerical charts. We have answered the question that is really at the heart of any qualitative question, on any topic.
How much ass does it kick?
Well, we answer that question for you, in simple language that anyone can easily understand. To that end, let me introduce the official Cant rating system: The Assometer.
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As you can see, it conveys immediately how good, or how terrible, something is. Because we all understand ass-kicking. No more comparing one intangible numerical rating to another to decide how good something really is. We've taken out the middleman. The Assometer brings any topic right down to something you completely understand. Kicking Ass.
Yes, I knew you did.
So, let's get right to the demonstration.
Despite my high-powered MBA, the George W Bush recession has kept me unemployed and at home. (Please vote Democrat, so I, and millions of others, can get a job again.) Anyways. Part of the silver lining my unemployment carries with it is that I get to cook a lot.
I like to cook. Back when I was young and foolish (but employed), and living in a group house with other young men, I spent my money not on a Playstation or a motorcycle, but on a really good set of knives. Yes, I'm a food geek. I just like the creative process involved in turning raw ingredients into food. It's like building a deck, only less permanent, and involving a lot less sawdust. Well, unless you are a cook at McDonalds.
As a disclaimer, although I am a good cook, as defined by the regular production of tasty food, I am certainly not an expert cook, as defined by appearing on television. I'm sure Nigella Lawson has her own opinions, and they're based on a lot more experience than mine. But she's not here, is she?
So, barring an impertinent phone call, I'm going to tell you about cooking. Specifically, I'm going to rate various methods of cooking. This isn't a comprehensive list (I'm leaving out things I haven't done much, like deep frying or blanching); nor is it a list of all methods of food preparation. I'm not talking about, say, making sushi, only the types of food preparation that involve heat. Cooking.
Mmmm, sushi.
Baking is, basically, the same thing as roasting, only it refers to bread-type foods. My baking is mostly restricted to cookies, though I do make muffins and what have you now and then. And these ratings are focused on preparing real food, i.e. meat. So see 'roasting' for the rating explanation.
Boiling is, essentially, only a method of ingredient preparation. It's essential for pastas, and useful for potatoes and such, that will subsequently receive additional cooking. But, really, nothing that has simply been boiled is ever going to be really tasty. I would have said that boiling kicked no ass at all, but then I remembered corned beef, which is prepared before it is cooked, and then boiled. So boiling at least reaches some ass before it peters out.
Broiling is where you use super high heat, just above the food. It's a great way to cook steaks or salmon, and if you have a good toaster oven it involves a lot less work than grilling. It's also easy to get right. If you need to impress people, but don't have much grilling experience, broil your burgers or steaks. The heat is the same every time, so it's just a matter of watching the clock until the correct number of minutes have passed, turning the meat, waiting the next correct number of minutes, and taking the food out, done to perfection.
I hate frying. This is at least partly because I wear glasses, and when you fry food with glasses on, you get miniscule fat droplets all over your glasses, which smear and are really hard to remove. And then you realize that those tiny fat droplets are also all over your face, and your clothes, and the kitchen... Bleah. And then the food always seems greasy, because it is. If you want to fry something, consider grilling or broiling it instead.
Grilling isn't just a cooking method, it's a pastime. It's playing with fire in a fashion that your wife actually approves of. It's because of the fun associated with grilling that it kicks so much ass. In fact, grilling kicks so much ass it has to special order more, just to have enough. Now, don't get me wrong, grilling is a difficult art to master. It takes a lot of practice, because each time you grill the heat is a little different and the humidity is a little different, etc etc. And to get the food just right, you have to compensate for these factors. It really is an art form. But when you get it right, you've had fun cooking and made great food. And, for some reason, people are always impressed when you display that you haven't lost the mastery of fire your Cro-Magnon ancestors worked so hard to give you.
Roasting, like the pitiable boiling, is a very simple method of preparing food. However, unlike boiling, it leaves the flavor in the food. And, happily, many foods, for instance chicken, are just naturally delicious. (I've always thought it was really considerate of chickens to be so inherently tasty.) Although, as massively slacking Cant columnist Cindy
pointed out, there are a number of simple tricks that greatly improve roasted food. Roasting is also a good "fire and forget" (as long as you have an oven timer) way to cook.
Simmering is the way you cook food that is goopy and whose flavor comes from spices. Curries, chilis, things like that. If you are making your flavors like a chemist rather than a carpenter, blending and mixing and not really worrying about the natural tastes, then simmering is for you. I'm a big fan of curries, so I simmer a lot.
Steaming, on the other hand, is for ingredients. Or vegetables. Vegetables that you want to taste, rather than have disappear into a curry, you steam, and serve by themselves. It's simple, but never produces anything spectacular.
Some folks call this a type of sauteing, but since I started with a wok I've always thought of sauteing as a type of stir-frying. It's sort of like frying, only instead of using oil to keep things from sticking, you stir them frequently. Also, instead of sucking, it kicks ass. Stir-frying can make some great food, but I always have a problem with my ingredients putting out so much water that I either have to drain the wok or wind up simmering. Still, I make some tasty dishes this way, and it's a flexible enough cooking style that you can go for either the flavor of the ingredients or use lots of sauce or spice.
Well, that's that! I hope you now have a much firmer grasp of precisely how good each cooking method really is.
If not, read this column again, until you do.
- Sun Ra
