I've gone to the San Diego Comic Convention for over fifteen years now. And during that time one of the highlights of the entire event has always been the Masquerade, which is the slightly misleading name for the Saturday night costume contest. I was there at the downtown opera house for the 'rock' phenomenon. I've seen good costumes, and bad costumes. Funny acts and stupid acts and acts that left everyone wondering "What the heck was that?"
Sadly, there have been far too many of the latter. And so, in the interest of future generations of Masquerade-goers and Masquerade entrants, I present the following:
Sun Ra's Guide to Not Embarrassing Yourself at the Comic-Con Masquerade
The sound technicians at the Masquerade, who are doubtless volunteers and bless them for it, have not once gone through an entire program without multiple glitches. Lost CDs, miscues, breakdowns. They happen. They will happen to you. So, when you are planning your act - and I've never seen anyone with an act who hadn't rehearsed it sufficiently, which is rather impressive in truth - have a plan for what to do when the sound screws up. This year (2005) there was a gorgeous set of Napoleonic era ballroom costumes whose waltz simply failed to play, leaving them standing poised and ready for an achingly long time before having to simply give up, show their costumes, and leave the stage. To their credit, they came back later once the issue had been resolved, but it wasn't the same. Moral: Your sound will get screwed up. Have a backup plan.
Even if your CD is played at the right time without a hitch, never forget that it's being played in an auditorium and it will come out garbled and/or crackly and/or too soft. Do not use audio gags - they will fail. Whether you are a stand-up comedian or a stammering oaf, you can rely only on physical comedy. We in the audience will hear at best the beats and guitar riffs of your background music. We will not and never have been able to hear the words. Techno is good; songs that everyone recognizes are good. Anything you recorded with your own voice is bad and will only leave the audience scratching their heads. You could be the second coming of Richard Pryor and no one will hear a word of it. Don't try.
This is an important one. Think of the audience as a fat, indolent simpleton, and you will do just fine. Know your audience. Nine of ten entries that bomb have bombed before they even step out on stage, because the audience was never going to like them. We are a dumb beast. We like pretty things. We like cool-looking things. We like boobies. We like humor. We like children. We do not like half-assed attempts at things or complicated things that we cannot hear or can not understand. We do not like fat chicks - unless...
Attitude counts for a lot. If you are up there obviously having fun, if you are paying attention to the audience, whether it be gesturing for applause (if merited) or giving us the bird, you will catch a break. This year there was a costume called 'Golden Age Wonder Woman', and it was a fat chick in a Wonder Woman costume. Sure, there was mockery - it was a fat chick - but the audience respected her for showing up and having the guts to come on stage and most of all, respected her attitude while she was on stage. She was beaming ear to ear and posing and basically poking her finger in the eye of our current beanpole-with-inflated-titties cultural idea of beauty. And the audience admired her for it. She got a big round of applause. Remember - the worst thing you can do is to give the impression you know better than the audience; the best thing you can do is to acknowledge the audience's presence and opinion and then blatantly not give a damn.
The Masquerade audience is a tough but very honest crowd. If you have a good costume, you will get copious applause. Period. If your costume is shitty, you will be mocked. (Exceptions are made for small children. See above comments about guts.) That's all there is to it. If you get into costume and look in the mirror and think "eh, it's not perfect but it's what I had time for," do not enter the Masquerade. This is an audience sharpened by years of watching professional sci-fi and fantasy, who have arrived after three days of exposure to Hollywood quality imagery, and although they know you are an amateur they expect real quality. And they get it - every year there are many truly awesome costumes. Be one of those.
And a word about martial arts. If you can do it, if you have taken years of martial arts and your high kicks actually would hit someone's head, go for it. Otherwise don't bother. Joe Average's attempts at martial arts posing are laughable, and will be laughed at. Every year you get some jokers up there making kicks and punches that would get their ass whipped in a high school locker room. Don't be that person. Your costume is enough. Now, if you can perform jumps and flips and whatever, fantastic. There was a great Nightcrawler vs. Lara Croft act this year that was truly physically impressive. We cheered our heads off for them. (See also: boobies.) But unless you are that good, just show us the costume. You don't need to embarrass yourself.
And lastly: go on stage for a few minutes, and then leave. Do not walk out on stage, turn once, and walk away; that will only leave the audience scratching their heads and will waste all the effort you spent on your costume. Even worse, do not stay out on stage forever. We will get tired of you. Do not sing multiple verses of a song - of course, singing at all violates rule two. Stay up there for two, three minutes. If there are lots of you, of course, you may take longer - an additional minute per person involved. We want to see your costume, appreciate your act, and then see the next person. Please - when you are rehearsing, time yourself. Be sure that you give plenty of time for us to see you and no time at all to try our patience.
That's it. Whether you are sewing an intricate Ferengi battlefleet uniform, creating a huge foam mecha, or dressing up your child in green lantern pajamas, please recall and observe these simple rules. Don't use or rely on sound. Understand the audience. Do it well, or don't do it at all. And take the right amount of time. Follow these guidelines, and you will be cheered. Break them, and you will be jeered. We want to like you - in a perfect world, the audience would be on their feet for every entry. We're willing to do that. Help us.
- Sun Ra