My apologies for posting this so tardily - my wife and I spent today painting our den. Note that the computer is located in the den. I only just got it out from under its protective drop cloth.
To the questions!
Questions from jasona:
1) What's your favorite conspiracy theory?
Hmm. "Favorite" is a tough one, since conspiracy theories generally break down along "how true is it?" lines, from "true" through "technically possible" to "bat-shit insane." Let me pick, instead, one of the more popular ones that always manages to get under my skin: the idea that the 1969 moon landings were faked. No one actually went to the moon, and the video evidence was all shot on a Hollywood back lot.
Bat-shit insane.
2) Name one 'famous' person that the members of your peer group think is hot shit, but whose reputation you think is falsely inflated.
Hmm. If I were a bandwagon sort, I'd say Jennifer Lopez, but then she's no more inflated than, say, Pamela Anderson. Well, her reputation, at any rate.
No, I'm going to say Jack Black. He's just not funny. Not at all. Not even a little bit.
3) If you had one kind thing to say to something that was about to devour you, what would it be?
What the hell sort of silly question is that? Why on Earth would I have a kind thing to say to something about to devour me? "Hopefully I'll cure that lycanthropy of yours?"
4) What's one lie you never get tired of telling?
"Well, you have a point." Invariably followed by "but". Of course, in 90% of such cases, they don't, and are in fact totally wrong, but I like to keep to a civilized level of discussion.
5) If you could create any one colossal, world-threatening monster, what would it be?
A giant sea creature, composed of millions of other sea creatures, all capable of acting independantly, but also combining 'Voltron'-like into a seventy story angry Tokyo-basher. Whose motivation is to destroy all fishing vessels, starting with the biggest.
6) Why do you hate the color yellow?
I don't. But my favorite color is green, which as everyone knows is diametrically opposed to yellow.
7) If you could remove any law from the books, which one would it be?
Serious answer - the law that states that corporations are people. They're not, and the sooner we fix that legal idiocy, the better off we'll be.
8) What Norse mythological figure are you most like?
Odinn. I got all these powers, but I never really do anything.
9) If you could ban any single genre of advertisement, which one would it be?
Any form of unsolicited personal solicitation - phone, personal, whatever. No one should ask me to buy anything out of the blue, ever. If I want something, I'll look. If I want to get an idea of what's out there, I'll check advertising media. Don't call, and don't fucking visit.
10) Why haven't you shaved your head?
It's a vicious cycle - if I shave my head, it will be harder to get a job. And if I get a job, then I won't shave my head for fear of losing it.
11) When you die, and you're brought before the great fish god [censored], what's the one thing you hope he says to you?
"Ah, excellent. My successor has arrived. Here, have all my powers."
Questions from Harlock:
12) You get to send two sentences to your younger self (between 5-20 years old). Let's say via a small postcard. Obviously, what are they?
Invest all the money you can get your hands on, all of it, in Cisco stock, and sell in February 2000. Beg, borrow, steal - but buy that stock.
13) List your old-school AD&D stats
That's a tricky question, because the system states that the high stat (18) is really, really good - but then the mechanics practically demand you have it for lots of things. So everyone in AD&D is a genius or an olympic athelete. It's the old "average grade is a B+" problem.
I also notice that none of the other cantistas answered this question. Lictor's "answer" doesn't count.
14) You know something. Something that sounds trivial, but that is actually important, and to which you refer on a regular basis. Something of general applicability. The One Song that can drive annoying songs out of your head; how to properly use the brakes in a car; the way to select the optimal loaf of bread in a store. Now it's time to reveal it.
I learned this from jasona, but he didn't mention it, so I'm gonna use it here. How to get catsup out of a glass catsup bottle. Don't hit the bottom. Hold the bottle in one hand, and slap it diagonally into the other hand, with the spout pointing towards the target area. It's easy to get a lot of force with the horizontal nature of the motion, easy to control with the blocking hand, and works like a charm in getting that catsup out of the bottle.
Questions from Lictor:
15) You get to reincarnate as an Australian mammal. Which one? Why?
Heck, I don't know. Which one has the best life?
16) What have you always wanted to do in a movie theatre, but never dared?
Jumped up and just started beating the living crap out of someone who was annoying me. No, seriously. I've totally wanted to do that. There was one movie I was in, and some asshole in the back was throwing pennies using that finger-snap method. The guy desperately needed a good beat-down.
But I don't want to go to jail.
17) You must spend the next week handcuffed to a toilet. Whose?
Uh...
The one in the back of Britney Spears' tour bus.
18) Of all the different kinds of pasta, the one that I am most afraid of is....
That black kind made with squid ink.
Questions from Pakeha:
19) Why do you always do that?
Because that's what they deserve.
20) What is the best insult that you've heard/used/been saddled with?
Well, it's tough to call any one insult 'the best'. Insults are like tools - there are a whole lot of them, you need to choose the right one for the job. But some do have general applicability, like a hammer - probably my favorite for a little while now was from a certain Cant column: "Bloodsucking fuck maggot".
21) How do we keep Piers Anthony/William Gibson/Dean Koontz/Robert Jordan/Alan Dean Foster from publishing another book?
Become a billionaire, and buy Borders, Barnes & Noble, and the roughly three companies controlling all airport bookstores. Then inform their publishers that you'll never stock those guys again.
22) If you could have a night of guilt-free, S.O.-sanctioned passion with any celebrity past or present, who or what would it be, why, and how?
Dunno. Maybe Dita von Teese. See, I'd want to involve my S.O., so I'd have to consult with her. But I bet fetish models know some fun tricks.
Questions from Wanton Hussy:
23) If you found yourself under house arrest, how long would it take before you went stir crazy?
Dude, I haven't had a job for two years. I haven't gone more noticably crazy.
24) Reptile you would most want to be, if forced.
Sea turtle.
25) Most disgusting food you have ever eaten. And why did you eat it?
I don't remember what it was, but whatever it was we had in Guadalupe, Spain. Sweet Christ, did we pick the wrong restaurant. It was so bad. We were starving, but frankly, we'd have been better off curled up weeping from hunger than curled up suffering the knife-like gut stabs that food brought on.
26) What is your simple solution that will bring about world peace?
Keep everyone in virtual reality pods until they are seventy years old.
27) Describe one of the most wonderful days in your life so far.
Can't remember.
28) You have been sucked through a warp in reality and are now a kitchen house elf for the Malfoy family. What are you making for dinner?
Anise casserole.
29) Of all the toys in the toy store, which one do you want the most?
A parachute.
30) The worst book you have ever read is ____ because ______.
Well, let me look at my list. Probably Allen Steele's A King of Infinite Space. Because, as I recall, at the end of the book you realize that yes, the protagonist was basically being a complete prick through the whole book, and only through a deus ex machina at the end does he realize it and feel sorry. "Oh shit, all this stuff I've been doing has been wrong. Gosh." Well, fuck you too, Mr. Steele, for wasting my goddamn time.
I think I broke the spine of that one, hurling it across the room. And I feel no guilt whatsoever ruining the end, because every copy of the book should be hunted down and burned.
31) If you could be a poor person of any time and place for a week, what place and time period would you choose?
I'm going to second Lictor, here. As far into the future as possible, given that it's a utopian future.
33) If you could have a lifetime of free products from any store/restaurant/etc, where would you chose?
Depends on if I can resell them or not. Assuming not, then probably Amazon.com.
34) When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
Hmm. It's happened, but I can't remember an instance at present.
35) What was you favorite TV show at age 10/5th grade?
Thundercats.
Thundercats!
Thundercats!
Hooooooo!!!!!
- Sun Ra