So I successfully turned thirty this past weekend, and was lucky enough to receive gifts of porn and liquor. I can’t really talk about the liquor, since I don’t remember most of it, but I can review the porn. This week’s offering is “Fetish” from Sin City Video, 1997. I took notes while I was watching it. You’ll see why.
The introduction had the highest production value of any porno I’ve ever seen. This in no way stopped it from being scary. Also, the soundtrack throughout was a disturbing combination of weird 80s “ethereal” guitar noises and Benedictine-monk chanting. Most unsettling. Finally, one note: if you’re going to have midgets in your movie, I don’t care if the film is titled “Fetish” – you’ve got to make it more clear from the outside of the cover. I think I’m scarred for life.
Regarding the acting, note to the actress who played one of the lead roles: For fucks sake, if you can’t decide if your accent is pseudo-British, New York chic, or indulgent Georgia peach, shut the hell up and talk in a normal voice. God that was painful to hear.
The film (“movie” sounds a bit too professional here) had this whole odd art-school thing, where it kept switching to black and white, or slow motion, or freeze frame. Or odd sounds, like the monk-chanting and, for example, sounds of lions and elephants making, well, animal noises. It was just plain weird. Sometimes I was confused about whether it was supposed to be erotic at all, or just a wacky modern-art-type flick with fucking in it.
However, it was educational. I never knew that latex squeaked so much.
There were a few things I liked. I liked that the actresses’ lipstick got smeared all over their faces (and other body parts). It was very nice to see condoms being used on two out of three women being penetrated. The female orgasms were mostly convincing.
The best part, for many reasons, was the ballerina with the three Marines sequence. I had not even ever considered ballerina costumes as a fetish before, mostly because as a former ballet dancer, I don’t think of ballerinas as sexy. However, she did have a lovely body, petite and firm, muscular legs, small perky tits. She was also the most convincing orgasm. Plus, she said thank you after she came, each time. So polite.
The men weren’t revoltingly unattractive, which was nice. None that were “my type” but none that made me shudder in horror. Well, maybe that one… Anyway. Lots of the actors and actresses didn’t seem all that into it, but the ones that did were well worth it, making faces, eyes rolling back in their head, growling, shrieking, grunting, the whole deal. Gosh, it sounded just like a Saturday night in the dorms!
The costuming was fun; I always appreciate a good corset.
Big turns offs were, as always, breasts that look like hyper-inflated beach balls. Especially the veiny ones; dude, couldn’t they put makeup on that? I guess I just have too much personal experience with DDD tits to like non-proportional ones at all.
The “plot” was just awful and I think would have been better without it. When “super innocent girl” turns out to have big scary fake boobs and a clit-piercing, I’m thinking the casting director should be slapped, or some explanation of how she got the piercing. The shaving scene was weird, but maybe that was just me. The midget sequence was surreal, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t just me. As my friend said, “Midgets are not for beginners.”
Finally, the last third of the film was all dream-sequency, which you could tell because of the odd wind-tunnel sound quality which gave me a splitting headache. Combined with the monk-chanting, the wax-dripping midget-fucking masturbation sequence looked more like penance than anything erotic. Again, unsettling, in a modern-artsy way. The heavy breathing sounded pained; frankly, I think I preferred the animal noises.
So, “Fetish” – midgets, bad accents, cute ballerinas, god-awful plot. The one thing that made the whole hour and a half worthwhile was the ballerina’s eyes rolling back in her had as she chanted “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming” and shrieked and changed it to “I’m falling, I’m falling” as she toppled out of her lovers’ arms onto the floor. That was the funniest damn thing I’ve seen all week.