So a friend heard I had received porn for my birthday and, unprovoked, decided to send me two from his company. And I feel compelled to review them. This is only the first one, “Drenched (2003)” by Falcon Studios.
Oh, and a warning for the squeamish: It’s gay. Gay gay gay. Filled with joy and glee. And homosexual men, getting down. If that bothers you, stop reading.
I liked the introduction; everybody’s naked in the surf and waterfalls, but no one’s goodies are on display (with one exception). Very subtle and arty. There were some very nice visuals overall, throughout the whole thing; bodies twisted together in pretty ways. A few that I wouldn’t mind having stills of.
I like that they kept having breaks from the fucking and sucking to go back to lingering kisses and wandering hands. I’ve not seen that happen much in straight porn; usually they skip the kissing entirely. What a tragedy. The kissing made it seem like there was actually chemistry between the guys, sometimes.
In some ways, it was a bit over the top artsy, with new agey music, waves crashing, standing-there-on-a-rock-like-a-god poses. But in general, boys who actually seemed like they liked each other, touching each other, and actually (get this) smiling occasionally. Amazing. Why can’t straight porn be more like this?
Speaking of the music, I think it would have been sexier to turn down the volume occasionally and hear more of the moans and gasps and cries of passion. (On the other hand – thank god it wasn’t an hour and a half minutes of whiney, high pitched, obviously fake girly, “Oh yes, oh yes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh, yeeesssss, ohh!”)
It was interesting how predictable it was who would be fucking whom (in the scenes where there was penetration); it was always the men either taller or older or better hung. He was also always the last person to come. (Correction: I was, in fact, wrong once in my predictions; the boy I had pegged as the fuck-ee was in fact the fuck-er. Good for him.)
Regarding penetration, it’s nice to see safe sex. It doesn’t lose anything to me at all, and I can’t even begin to understand why more het pornos don’t always use condoms. Frankly, I find it more distracting when they fail to use them than when they do; I worry about the actors/actresses. However, I did think oral sex was still on the “use a condom list”; maybe I missed a memo, though, since it’s not really been relevant to my life since about 1993. And I very much liked the no mouths- or faces-full of come; that was nice. I guess that’s another wretched het porno thing.
Finally, once again, I found myself fast forwarding through the sex scenes. I get the impression that you aren’t meant to watch the whole movie straight through. With no plot (and frankly – thank god for that. No plot is way better than a bad plot or bad dialogue), 106 minutes of fucking and sucking just gets a little repetitive. I mean, ideally, there’d be a plot and some dialogue, but when pornos in general can’t even be convincing with dialog like, “Hi! Nice cock!” I’m frankly relieved that they’re not even trying.
Too many military-style short-haired boys with excessively bulky bodies. I much prefer the lean body of a runner to the muscles of a wrestler. Ick. One mustache, two lithe pretty boys (who briefly got each other – yae!). Four out of twelve men were actually kind of attractive (as compared to none EVER in any het porno I’ve seen. Well… perhaps one.) One who I’d hire as a cabana boy if only I had a cabana and was a gay man. Next life, I guess. Most of the guys weren’t my type, but there was only one downright scary no-necked military buzz-cut mutant.
There were some frightening cocks (ok, really just one). It was very reassuring, however, to see professionals having the occasional spot of trouble deep-throating. [Aside: when two guys are getting together and one guy’s cock is obviously way smaller (or larger) than the other, how does that go? Is there embarrassment? Or do they just not mention it? What’s the etiquette there?]
It was very reassuring to see the two boys who didn’t have completely sculpted pecs, as well as some variations in the chest waxing. In general, the actors had slightly more believably real bodies than in het pornos. I wonder why that is? Maybe I’m just too offended by the fake boobs and can’t ever let go of my anger when I see them. My feelings about boy-body fakeness are a lot less personal.
The acting, such as it was, was fine overall. However, a few words about orgasms: the lack of any facial expression, no bodily twitching, no noises, no heavy breathing, etc. is really aggravating. Sometimes there was just a grunt and some liquid. Damn, either fake it better, or let on that you liked it. No matter how mechanical, it was still an orgasm, wasn’t it? Act like you liked it!
The group orgy just kept getting more and more silly. Two guys are making out, then joined by a third who watched them, jerking off, for a long time. Then a fourth joins, same set-up. Then a group of three more guys come by and now it’s seven. Just people randomly showing up, as if to say “Hi, nice day in the park, isn’t it? Mind if I suck your cock?” The best thing though, was that one of the boys did a very convincing, “Oh god, if you guys don’t let me come soon, I’m going to die” anguished facial expression thing. Looked like he was being tortured. It was great!
However, I find it dismaying when the guys lose their erections. This was particularly disturbing during the one scene that was… well, not violent really, but very aggressive. The recipient acted like he was enjoying it, but he wasn’t hard and that was weird.
I now know more about foreskins than I did before. Not that I was dying to know, but you know, it’s important to broaden one’s horizons. Also, just one particular unspecified “ick” at one of the things one of the boys did with somebody else’s foreskin. That’s all I’m going to say on that.
I also learned that some of those boys clearly are working at becoming Yoga Adepts ; their hips open further apart than mine! How nice to see young men with such flexibility.
It was good to see some of the things that I’ve read about (and, um, yeah, written about) actually happening. Educational to see the dynamics of how it all works out. Yeah. Educational. Yup.
After an hour plus of porn, I needed entertainment. So I watched the out-takes. Surprisingly, most of the actors don’t seem terribly bright once they’re speaking. However, they did seem to enjoy each others’ company and like they had a fun time in Hawaii. Clearly porn companies know how to party!
The director seems a bit nutty, but not in an evil way, the way porno directors are always portrayed in made-for-TV-movies about the tragic lives of porn stars. It was great to hear the version with the director, well, directing the actors: “It’s all about your body, baby, yeah, lean back into it,” and “Pull your shorts down a bit more.” Dude, can I have a job where I get to legally say that to pretty boys? *blink*
The waves they were being asked to pose in seemed downright dangerous. The wave action bonus part was the best bit, though. Fucking hysterical. Muscely naked guys staggering along the rocks on the beach, tripping, falling, being bitten by crabs, whining about sand in their Speedos, all of it. A nice reward after all that porn.
And finally, let me just say how very odd it was to watch porno movie out-takes/commentary not three days after finally watching the LOTR-FOTR commentary. The similarities... Well. Odd indeed.
Columns by Wanton Hussy