Wanton Hussy - Column for 3/25

Questions about Porn (Part 1)

So I find myself musing extensively (and probably inappropriately) about these flicks. They provoke so many thoughts in my little head, and interesting reactions as well. So many “why” questions and so few answers. And no one seems to want to talk about it. Even in a perfectly frank discussion about sex, I still don’t end up with satisfying answers to my questions. But here they are, even thought you-the-reader can’t really respond. (Unless you want to email me. [But don’t even think of stalking me because my burly husband will beat you up. I’m fat and ugly anyway.])

This week: Questions without answers regarding why porn films are the way they are. Next week, more philosophical, personal questions.

What’s with the money shot? Do people actually have sex like this? Do some people enjoy seeing this? From what I’ve read, I know I’m not alone in being grossed out by this; many women are. But what about men? Do men like it? Or just not care?

Why are there so many close-ups of just genitals, in and out? Apparently some people like this and I can kind of see that from an educational “so that’s what’s happening down there where I can’t see when we fuck” perspective, but in every single film, in every single sex scene, this lasts way way way too long. You’re seeing a cock and cunt fuck, not two people fuck. To me, it’s frustrating and boring, frustrating because I want to see and hear the people having a good time and feeling pleasure.

Why are the fucking scenes so goddamned long? I know some people like quickies and some like intercourse to last for hours, but in these films it seems to me to last way too long. They change positions like they’re working their way through every page in the Kama Sutra and the tempo never speeds up. No one comes for ages and ages, and when they do, it’s long overdue. Ok, so maybe I’m impatient and just like to get to the good stuff fast. Sue me.

How do these people (ok, men) manage to fuck for hours and hours without coming? Are they that bored? I would be so chafed and sore. I just pray that they use lots of lube. Are the people masturbating at home this slow about it? Do they need 15 minutes to reach orgasm? Am I freak for needing far far less than that?

Why do the women hardly ever obviously come? The only films of the ones I’ve seen where the women completely obviously not only enjoyed the fucking but convincingly came were “Hard Love/High Heels” and “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Oral Sex.” Don’t men like to see that? Can’t the actresses at least pretend?

Which leads to, why do all the actors and actresses look like they’re working instead of fucking? Ok, true, it’s a job, and maybe they don’t really like or even know the person they’re fucking. But still. Is it so hard to pretend? Haven’t we all pretended to like someone we were fucking a bit more than we actually did? Is it really so difficult to find porn stars that asking for any acting abilities, even being able to lie convincingly to someone in a bar, is out of the question?

What was up with the flaccid penises of the submissives in the gay porn? Do men frequently lose their erections while getting fucked? Who can I ask this of without being horribly rude?

Who likes fake boobs anyway? Of all the people I’ve talked to (true, not generally redneck bozo football player sexist pig types) not one, male or female, has thought fake boobs were an improvement to a woman’s visual appeal. Sure, the occasional enhancement for the truly flat-chested, but the immobility, the perfectly globular-ity, and the so huge they look they’re going to pop ones are just icky. Do some men like this? Can kick them really hard in the balls until they change their minds?

Why are these people so unattractive? I mean, sure, if they were really really hot, they’d be models or regular-film actors. But still. What’s with the fake tans and big hair and too much makeup and just downright geeky, hairy, pudgy, balding men? And why are there so many fewer men than women in the industry? It seems like most guys I know with no career ambitions or goals would love a job where to fuck women for money. And they’re younger and cuter than these guys. Hey, maybe this will solve the recent recession in the computer industry unemployment problem.

If men don’t like big hair and long nails, who the fuck does? Just yuck. And especially offensively yuck on the lesbians. I wouldn’t let anyone with nails half that long near my goodies. Don’t men find “butch” looking lesbians, or even just lesbian-looking lesbians attractive? I know I do.

To be continued…

Columns by Wanton Hussy