Wanton Hussy - Column for 4/24

All About the Anus

Well fuck. I wrote this whole saga about my fractured wrist, but after the set-up Ra's given me, I guess that'll have to be next week's column, since this week it's All About The Anus.

I have learned more about male anatomy, internal and external, and products thereof over the last year of gay-smut-fanfic-reading than over the previous decade of plain gay-smut-reading. And since I've *cough* even written some, I've spent a bit of time looking at informative websites (1) and medical-type sex books to get the facts right. I know more about erections, foreskins, semen, and anal-related-topics than I ever thought I wanted to know. Mostly seeking the answer to: Where the fuck IS the prostate anyway, and how exactly does it work? (2) (3) (4)

So apparently the prostate is as lovely a goody-spot as the g-spot in girls. I love my g-spot; oh yes, I do. I remember finding it, the solo quest for glory one hot summer Central Valley night. I thought I'd found God. It was nearly as wonderful a moment as when I first learned to masturbate. A Good Day, with sparking red letters and trumpet fanfare.

But most men don't seem all that eager to find theirs. As if it might make them queer, which I think is a damn shame. Yes, it's unfortunate that it's located in an orifice primarily designed for elimination, but hey, guys; if it's like the g-spot, you are SO missing out. That's like saying "No, I prefer to just rub off using my elbow, because using my fingers might make me a lesbian." As if finding a new good-spot on your body would suddenly make you want to run to the nearest pirate ship and volunteer for your turn in the barrel. (5)

I know, I know, you don't want to do anything that might suggest compromising your precious masculinity. What guys never seem to get is that in a lot of women's eyes, gay men are more "manly" than straight guys. They're into men. They like men and male things. Body hair. Sports. Really beefy muscley men. Think bears and leather-men. Doesn't get more manly than that. (6) (Not that "manly" is necessarily a good thing, in my opinion.) No, your masculinity is safe. Just because you want to get fucked, no one will think any less of you. One would think you all would recognize that there are enough sex toys out there that they can't all be marketed at women and queers.

Plus, the anus is the great equalizer. Everyone's got one, boys and girls, straights and gays. And to some extant, they must all feel the same, being stimulated and penetrated (minus that tricky prostate, of course). As people will, when pressed, generally admit that the occasional bowel experience is not unpleasant, they should be willing to try discovering the pleasure of their prostate. There is even some thought that it might help prevent you boys from developing prostate cancer in old age.

There is more to the anus, Horatio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy.

1. My favorite resource is Minotaur's Sex Tips For Slash Writers, which is great. Pictures not for the perusal of those who are gainfully employed, while at said place of employment.

2. As an aside, this is a fine time to point out what a bad lesbian I would have really made. Sure, I like sex with women. But I'm FASCINATED by penises. They're weird; hard, soft, big, little, gooey, or dry, they are filled with mystery and I will never get tired of asking questions and poking and prodding. I want to know what one feels like, damnit, and until I have one, I'm not going to be satisfied. And since I think it would clash badly with my ginormous tits, I don't think it's going to happen in this lifetime.

3. As another aside, I do think my parts are pretty interesting as well, but you know, I have them, and I know how they feel and work relatively well. I simply can't wrap my brain around what it would be like to have those parts outside. Flopping in the windů

4. Let me just make a quick disclaimer here that although my sweetie is very patient with me, he does set some limits on what he's willing to indulge me in. So some of this is stuff I know, and some of it's stuff I've read, and some of it's stuff I've asked about. And hopefully what I say will be from enough variety of sources that he won't feel exposed.

5. Not that fantasies of sucking cock make you gay either, but I'm not going into a long digression on what makes you gay. Today.

6. Although frankly, EW! Pretty boys are so much more my type. And yes, I know that's a queer stereotype too, I just wanted to emphasize the masculine part of the top/bottom dichotomy to suit my own nefarious ends.

Columns by Wanton Hussy