I feel like my entire adult life is this long quest of coming out. First coming out as bisexual to a few trusted friends, to a lover, to my mother, to all my friends, to acquaintances, to coworkers. And then I realized I also have to come out as being a witch. And being kinky. And oh yeah, I have to come out about reading erotica. And about writing erotica. And now I have to come out about writing about sex, in a non-fiction way. It’s like step after step of what I have to reveal about myself.
Of course I don’t have to come out. No one is making me. But the thing is that ripping way those veils, discarding that shame, is difficult and painful and feels so fucking good when I’m done.
I’m not ashamed of being bisexual and I will readily tell anyone in any context in which it’s appropriate. It was rarely appropriate in a business environment, just as my marriage was rarely an appropriate topic of conversation. In a context in which it’s relevant, it’s no big deal. I am not afraid and I feel no shame.
Recently, I’ve had a new thing to add to my list – coming out to my family and other more conservative acquaintances as writing and teaching about sexuality. I find myself hedging at first, since I’d forgotten what it was like to “come out” after so much time of just being out. I would answer their “workshops about what?” with “intimacy” or “relationships” and never once utter the word “sex.” But I’ve started uttering it, and while I do stumble, it feels good. Honesty feels fucking brilliant when you’ve been hiding something you know you don’t really need to hide.
And sharing these pieces of information about myself, presenting a more honest, more deeply faceted version of myself, almost always puts other people at ease, even if they don’t share that particular label with me. It makes me more human. No one has ever had a negative reaction or treated me differently or awkwardly in future interactions. (Well, except my mom But that’s her problem, not mine.)
Possibly, I’m very good at judging who I can come out to. But I don’t think it’s just that.
We hide so much of ourselves away from each other, looking at what’s appropriate in a business environment, what do my parents actually need to know about me, what does my extended family need to know about me, what does the guy in the grocery store bagging my groceries need to know about me? What if it wasn’t all on a need-to-know basis? What if you could just be who you are, out loud and unafraid?
What if that was really real?
It could be real, I think. We can make that world a reality.
But you don’t have to come out, of course. Sometimes it’s not safe. Sometimes it will just cause complicated or painful conversations that simply aren’t worth it. Some people aren’t worth it. Use good judgment; all I’m suggesting is that you reconsider it. Reconsider coming out. Reconsider being honest about being queer, being pagan, being kinky, being a sexual person. Look in the mirror and say “I am Julianne and I am a sexual being.”
See that glow in your eyes, that smile tugging at your lips?
That makes it so worth it.
~ Posted 21 June 2006, property of