Wanton Hussy - Column for 6/29

How To Save A Relationship In Six Simple Steps

As many of you know from painful experience, the phenomena of "lesbian bed death" is not confined to lesbians. Many heterosexual couples have disparate sex drives for a variety of reasons, some of which I've already addressed and some of while I'll cover in the future. Straight, gay, in-between, mono, poly, vanilla, or kinky - most relationships of any length occasionally find themselves mired in the pits of despair. It happens to us all. Come, cry out your horny frustrations on Wanton Hussy's ample bosom and then listen to her words of wisdom as Someone Who Has Been There.

For now let's look at a typical relationship: both individuals work outside the home, in situations often leading to feelings of being overworked, underpaid, and unvalued. Both are also busy with their own individual friends and family, as well as shared friends and family. Grown up life is hard and exhausting. This hypothetical couple has been together for a long time, and while they have what seems like a good relationship, they're just not fucking anymore.

Sound familiar?

Most often, the real problem here is there is no intimacy anymore. Neither partner feels connected to the other; their minds are elsewhere and only come together for problem-resolving about work and money and kids. Assuming that there are no actual problems in the relationship*, then all you need to do is make the time and effort to rebuild the intimacy.

That's all.

Pretty simple, huh? Simple like quantum physics is simple.

(*Note: Sometimes there are bigger problems with a relationship than misplaced and forgotten intimacy. There are health problems and drug problems and in-law problems and problems with the kids and an awful lot of money-not-going-far-enough problems. There are all things you have to commit to working out first. You cannot have an intimate connection with someone you are angry with, someone you fear, someone who hurts your feelings. You have to be committed to working out the real problems. Once those are finished or at least well underway, then you can start thinking about rebuilding intimacy and eventually getting laid.)

So here goes I will share with you, faithful readers, the Secret of the Ages: How to Save a Relationship from Bed Death.

In just a minute.

Often, the couple in our scenario has, in fact, tried. They have made a stab at reconnecting, at making love, at fucking. And for whatever reasons, it went badly. Often, very very badly. One or more partners felt vulnerable and awkward. Possibly there was some shame, frustration, anger, or hurt that this problem had arisen in the first place. Perhaps bodies failed to respond in the predicted ways, because often our minds may be ready for sex but our hearts are not, and our bodies side with our emotions more readily.

Calm down, breathe, go drink some herbal tea.

The problem is that you tried to do it too fast. Everything worth doing takes time. Everything worth doing also takes effort, and frequently blood, literal or metaphorical. So talk about it. Trust me, this conversation will suck. But it's essential talk one at a time, listen, ask probing questions. Figure out if there are bigger underlying problems. If so, tackle those first.

Once you've determined that it's "just" intimacy, that it's "Well, we haven't done the deed in 7 weeks and when we tried 2 weeks ago it was bad and now I'm nervous." Nerves are something you're going to have to manage on your own, sorry.

When you've found your courage, here's what you do:

1. Make a date night. A regular, standing, once-a-week, just-the-two-of-you date night. I know this is difficult if you have small children, but come on this is saving your relationship we're talking about here. It's important.

Go out somewhere dinner, a walk, somewhere you can talk (not just to a movie or concert). Spend at least four hours together. Come home, maybe kiss a bit if that doesn't feel too awkward, and then separate.

2. Have another date night. If it feels ok, kiss a lot. Hold hands. Grope some but nothing below the waist. Pretend you're teenagers in Catholic school. If this leaves you sexually frustrated and wanting more, that's the idea. Both of you aroused and eager for more.

Don't push things. If it doesn't feel ok, stop. Try to talk about it. Neither partner gets to be demanding here. If it takes you five dates before you're ready for the next step, that's ok. Be patient with each other. Be patient with yourself.

3. On your next date, get naked. Give each other a massage. Set an actual timer and spend at least 10 minutes each, one just touching the other in a non-sexual way. Head to toe, feel, stroke, re-familiarize yourself with the feel of your lover's body, with the feel of your partner touching you.

4. Next date, do the same thing again. Only this time, after the 10 minutes of non-sexual touch, you get to kiss and nibble and (oh boy!)- you get to be sexual! You get to make each other come! Hand jobs only, please.

5. Assuming you were "good" on your last date and stuck with manual stimulation (someday I'm going to come up with a better non-genial-specific word for that), tonight you get to suck and lick and slurp your way to heaven.

6. At this point, you should both be pretty much gagging for it. Time to make sweet love. Take your time. If things start to go awry, go back to a step you felt comfortable with. Do not rush the foreplay.

Here are some tips that will help make this a success. One, do not have less than two full days between any of the steps, particularly in the beginning. Two, if one of you feels like things are moving too fast, they are. Go slowly. No pressure, no matter how horny you get. Three, no arguments or discussions about serious matters in the bedroom. Ever. If you have to talk money in the middle of the night, get up and go to the living room.

Finally, do not expect this to be easy. It's simple - not easy. It is a lot of work. Some of it will suck. Rebuilding trust, overcoming vulnerability, overcoming fear these are incredibly difficult things to do.

But I have faith in you.

Oh yeah the sex. It might not be all hearts and flowers and exploding supernovas at first. That's ok. Keep with the date nights, keep with the talking and the touching. It will all get better, I promise. You have to have faith: in yourself, in your partner, in your relationship. If you have that, you can overcome anything.

And if not, you're more than welcome to cry on my cleavage some more.

~ Posted 28 June 2006, property of Wanton Hussy. Please do not re-post without permission.

Columns by Wanton Hussy