Remember when you were young and nubile and full of confidence that every time you walked into a room, everyone wanted a piece of your hot sexy ass? Yeah, me neither. So far I've spent a shameful number of years both punishing myself for not having the kind of body that solicited that kind of reaction and being disgusted with myself for even wanting it in the first place.
Because, in case you don't know me personally, I'm a bit overweight. Curvy. Rubenesque. Round. Fat even, depending on your definitions. Always touching the border of unhealthily overweight but ok enough to postpone doing something about it because it's not a medical risk. Yet.
And please, don't get me wrong – I would like to be more fit, stronger, a better (smaller) size for my frame. I would like to have a body that stops traffic or at least makes people I think are hot give me a second glance and consider chatting me up for reasons that have nothing to do with my stunning intellect and glittering personality. I'd like a hot body. And I'm working on that.
But what I wanted to get at is that I'm not, and never have been, waiting to have a perfect body before I decide to be sexy. Sure, there are days I look in the mirror and feel like a hippopotamus, but they're actually kind of rare. Generally speaking, I'm a pretty sexual person, in touch with my sex drive, and I think it comes across in the way I hold my body and move through my space. (I'm sure belly dancing helped – as I said in Breathing into Your Sex Chakras, any time you focus that much attention on the place where your sex organs are, your blood flow and desire to play increases. Mmm... hip isolations...)
What I've learned in the fifteen years that I've been curvy and sexually active is that I feel better about myself when I allow myself to be sexual, no matter what. When I think thoughts like "If I could only lose X lbs I'd have Marilyn Monroe's figure and then I'd flirt and everyone would want me and I'd be so gloriously slutty...", I'm cutting myself off from reality. The reality is that I might have Marilyn's figure, when I lose the weight. But right now, I'm still deliciously sexual.
My point here is that while I certainly struggle with weight and body issues, and occasionally go through times when it really gets me down, I recently realized that I've learned something from all that struggling. It's embracing my body as it is right now that allows me to get through the bad times and get motivated to be more active and eat better. When I'm enjoying my body, I want to treat it better. When I feel adversarial towards my body, why the hell not stuff it full of brownies and popcorn while I lie on the couch and bemoan the sad truth that I don't look like Angelina Jolie and never will?
In my opinion, the vast majority of sexual insecurities come from body image problems. I suffer from them, too. But I'm getting an inkling of how to deal with them, both for myself and in the context of my relationship. Of course when I feel like a hippo my sex drive tanks – who wants to fuck a hippo? But when I feel good about myself, and allow myself to be the sensual hedonist that I am, one decadent truffle is far more satisfying than a whole box of chocolates.
What I want to learn is how to keep that sensual, sexual awareness with me all day. To feel good in my skin, and conscious of my food and exercise choices. To choose to indulge in peaches and strawberries and cheese and the occasional truffle, and dance to blood-stirring music and walk in fresh air and wear silk and leather and be fully in my body, enjoying it. Reveling in it. And not just save that feeling for the bedroom, between 10 PM and midnight, a couple times a week.
I deserve to feel that way whenever I want. So do you. Isn't that awesome?
~ Posted 23 August 2006, property of Wanton Hussy. Please do not re-post without permission.