I've been musing about the difference between talking about sexuality and talking about sex for a few days now, and came to the conclusion that the difference is sometimes a fine one. In my definition, talking about sexuality is talking about behavior, attitudes, opinions, thoughts about sexual topics. Talking about sex is talking about mechanics and health, the basic in-and-out, how-to-give-great-head, proper-spanking-technique type information.
I'm not interested in answering questions about sex – things like how much of an HIV risk is rimming or what sex toys are the best ones for G-spot or prostate stimulation. If you want answers to that, email Dan Savage or someone, please. I'm not a sex expert – I know what I know, and that's not my interest or area of expertise.
Neither do I want to talk about the specifics of my sex life, nor engage in sexual touching with people I don't know, nor watch a room full of other people get naked and sticky. My boundaries are right >here< and things that cross them are not appropriate for the work I'm doing.
Also, I'm not the one to come to about sexual dysfunctions. I think it's great that people want to tackle their issues, but I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm happy to refer individuals to someone to deal with their traumas and dramas, but that person cannot be me. Futhermore, please don't spill out all the details about your dysfunction until you get a cue that I might welcome such information; i.e., until I ask you.
So what the heck am I doing then?
Well, I'm talking about sex. And that's fine if that makes people titter and great if it makes them think I must be fabulous between the sheets. But what I'm doing is providing an arena where we can talk about sex, both seriously and light-heartedly but above all, honestly. Our culture treats sex like a joke, which makes it damned hard to deal with sexual issues when they come up. Not if, but when. I want to help with that.
Sexual behaviors are fair game – I'm eager to discuss ideas and share (or form or revise) my opinions about fantasies, pornography, kinks, and polyamory. But just because I want to talk about these things doesn't mean I'm pro-everything and that I don't have my own restrictions, or even my own issues.
I haven't run into many problems so far, but I anticipate that the issue will become more visible as my work progresses and grows. In bringing down the normal barriers that prohibit sexual discussion, it will take all of us (me included) time to locate the boundaries. A discussion about pornography may be totally cool with me, and recommendations about dvds you liked is great, but the number of times you masturbated watching each one is not. I think our culture sets incorrect boundaries around sex; I am not advocating totally getting rid of them.
It's not an entirely dissimilar situation to my experiences writing erotica. I get feedback from people saying that the story was hot or that it turned them on – fabulous, as that was my intention. But sometimes I get feedback saying "Wow, that made me come so hard I think I pulled a muscle." And that's a bit less ok to me.
When you tell me the details of your sex life, you're inviting me into it. If I don't know you, that's not a comfortable situation for me. TMI with a friend is different from TMI with a stranger, even if the conversation is about sex.
I've been very worried about sharing this statement, because I don't want to come across as a prude. I don't think I am, but honestly, I'd rather be perceived as prudish than have people disrespect my boundaries. I'm talking about sex. I'm not a sex therapist, nor a sex worker – I am a sexuality educator.
I'm someone who wants everyone in the whole world to have a happier and healthier sex life. I want people to recognize how vital sexual well-being is, and to honor it and themselves. I want people to be comfortable talking about sex and more comfortable in their sensual bodies. I want to help people overcome their fear of their sexual selves and take joy in their sexual experiences.
I think these are achievable and noble goals, or I wouldn't be dedicating my life energy to them.
Thank you for your support and respect. ~ Posted 30 August 2006, property of Wanton Hussy. Please do not re-post without permission.