Wanton Hussy - Column for 8/6

Down There

So I guess it's about time I started writing about sex again, and /or grossing out all the menfolk. Rather than one long smutty or gross column, I bring you three short items.

First Topic: CUNTS. Lately I've been thinking a lot about reclaiming words. Words that are hurtful and shouldn't be. Words like queer and dyke and fag and witch and geek. Lately the neo-feminists have added bitch to this list. I think its all fantastic. Once upon a time a bitch was a female dog and the word wasn't really used as an insult. So I'd like to suggest that we similarly return to ancient usage of the word cunt.

It shouldn't be a hurtful word, just a noun for a body part. I will teach my daughter to call her private parts a number of things, from pussy to cunt to vulva to hoo-ha. I want her to have no shame, no more than any boy would over his penis being called a dick or a cock or a dong. I want her reaction when someone calls her a "stupid cunt" to be the same bewildered amusement as if she had been called a "stupid elbow."

I want her to feel confident in her possession of a cunt, powerful in the knowledge that her body can create life and have multiple orgasms. I want the concept of the vagina being dirty to stop, and I think one of the simplest ways is for women to start using naughty words to describe their private parts. I want the 'feminine itching' ads (if they can't actually just blow up the manufactures and stop them for good) to be forced by law to include dialogue like "Mom, does your cunt ever itch?"

So I'm reclaiming the word cunt. I have a cunt. I love my cunt. I am not ashamed of my cunt.

Second topic: PLACENTA STEW. Yes, that's right, your mind leapt to the correct terrifying definition. Not beef placenta or some exotic Mexican dish, but stew made from the placenta of a human. Honestly. I have proof, since nothing posted to the internet can be untrue.

http://meds2001.garage.org/humour/placentarecipes.html

http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_104.html

http://www.mothers35plus.co.uk/plac_rec3.htm

In Hygieia: A Woman's Herbal the author gives a recipe for the stew and has the following comments: "The first time I ate placenta was after a very powerful birthing. The mother ate some raw first; and then let me take some into the kitchen for fixing. My experience of this slab of meat was amazing. I had never felt such life-force present in meat before... This meat still felt very much alive to me as I began to slice it and sauté it in garlic and oil... By the time the placenta was tender, the birthday party members were very hungry, and exhausted. After the supper, eaten in a glowing silence, everyone was energized, very much re-vitalized."

Ew. Now even I'm grossed out. Why would anyone do this? I mean, sure, animals eat the placenta after they give birth. But my dog also licks his anus to make sure he got all the poop off. I don't know. I've grossed myself out with this one.

Third topic: BITRH. I don't know why this is on my mind so much lately. Unless it has anything to do with the fact that it seems everyone I know is pregnant or just had a kid or is planning when they want to get pregnant. I'm in the planning process myself, even if I am taking the long view. So my friend (hi Sara) recently showed me couple of videos of births.

One of them was shot after shot of women giving birth, from the moment where the head starts to come out, until it was out. All the women looked like I would if I were picking up a refrigerator - strained and like it was huge effort, but not screaming and shrieking in pain the way it's always shown in movies and TV. The all looked like while it wasn't easy ("it's not called 'labor' for nothing"), like it wasn't impossible and wasn't really anything to get significantly worked up about. What an amazing concept.

The other video was a women giving birth in a tub of water, with her husband and family (the other two kids) there with her. She looked more like she was struggling, but then we also saw her from the moment the contractions started. She was pretty calm, and again, seemed like it wasn't easy, but like it also wasn't catastrophic. Like she wasn't scared. And at one point she said something like "The body that made this baby knows how to get it out." Which just struck me as amazing. I think we, in American, in the 21st century, are taught that our bodies are aliens, not something our heads are really attached to, and we shouldn't never trust our bodies. And this woman is saying pretty much the exact opposite. Basically, if you can shut up your stupid head, your body will do the right thing. Just relax and try to trust it and not be scared. What a phenomenal concept.

Well, there you go. Feminist rallying, gross eating habits, and birth philosophy. Maybe next time I'll talk about the evils of Western Civilization's mind/body dualistic split. Or maybe I'll just talk about my cunt some more.

Columns by Wanton Hussy