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"Hello, Western Security and Insurance, Inc. How may I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to get out of my house." "You can't get out of your house, Mr. Barch?" "Yes, the door's locked. I try to open it and it buzzes at me and displays 'Error 513 - Occupant Angry'." "Oh, that's for your benefit, Sir. The model DX3 house won't let you out if you're angry. I can see here on my monitor that your WSI GlandTrackerChip indicates you're reading a 3.5 on the Banner-Anger scale." "Of course I'm angry -- my house won't let me outside! Just what the hell is going on here?" "It seems your employer has initiated a 'Maximum Anger Rating' on all their employees. You don't want to go to work angry, do you? My records show that Archibald and Huette have started terminations based on excessive Banner-Anger scores." "I don't believe this." "Recent studies have indicated that entering the workplace with elevated anger levels has a greater chance of a incurring a monetary or medical incident." "Incident?" "Something unpleasant... something that could adversely affect your insurance rates, or those of your employer. As I said, this is all for your benefit, Mr. Barch." "Are you seriously saying that I'm paying you people to lock me up inside my own house? I'm a prisoner here?" "Oh, absolutely not, Mr. Barch. In an event such as an emergency inside the house the door would unlock -- fire, earthquake, that sort of thing." "So I have to set fire to my own house to get out of here?" "That would be rash, Mr. Barch. If you insist, we can open the front door for you." "Then do it." "I must warn you that if you do so your anger levels will become public record, and your employer will be informed." "Let me get this straight -- I leave my house, and you report me to my employer?" "Yes, and your personal insurance rates would go up." "But as long as I stay inside, I'm fine?" "Well, legally we are not entitled to publish whatever levels you reach inside your own domicile." "So you're saying because I'm pissed off because I've had to cover for Jenkins I can't get to work today, and tomorrow my work load will be sky high?" "If you like, I can connect you to the WSI Inc. 'Meditation Media Group'. For a low hourly rate they can help you lower and then maintain an optimal anger rating." "Wait a sec... does Jenkins have an DX3 house as well?" "I'm afraid I can't release that information." "He does, doesn't he? And this is probably why he's not at work either. That festering little punk is probably locked up tighter than a drum." "If Mr. Jenkins is safely contained inside a DX3 house, I'm sure it's to the benefit of everyone, including you, Mr. Barch." "Darn toot'n. He's one surly little pill when he's behind in his work." "You see, everything has worked out for the best." "Try telling that to my in-box. I'll talk to you tomorrow morning." |