Columnist for Tuesday, 2/13 - jasona

Dear Jasona,

    I've got the minions slaving away on the great machine, but it doesn't look quite fearsome enough... I was really hoping for a great menacing giant mechanical spider, but it looks more like a pill bug. My timetable doesn't really allow for any slippage; should I complain to the designers? Or should I just continue with my master plan and have them tortured at my leisure when I hold the world in my iron grasp?

- The Crimson Spider in his Underground Lair

Dear CSihUL,

    Unfortunately now is a little too late to be facing these dilemmas. The appropriate time was months ago when the designers were first brought before you. A little slaughtering of disposable minions, or even a tasteful bit of mayhem (1) would have sent a clear message that you were not one to be trifled with, and that your every whims should be satisfied. An architect that is satisfying his own artistic desires on your paycheck is trouble with a capital T. If he's not spending his every waking moment considering how to best serve you, he's not worth keeping alive. But I don't have to tell you this... I'm sure you've already laid the groundwork for your terrible social machinations, and it's far to late to change your name to the Purple Pill Bug...

    You're going to have to make the hard choices now, but this is why you chose to become a megalomaniac - so that no one else would ever have to make these choices for you.

    You can't follow through on your plans of conquest now, no one respects a poorly formed great vehicle. Sure those who are crushed underfoot will wail in terror, but what about the ones watching on TV? A snicker, it's a certainty. And we can't have that.

    It's time to put off your plans for immediate world conquest(2); but make no mistake that you face great peril here. For starters, you'll have to put down most of the design corp in particularly horrible and gruesome ways. This includes all the lackies currently assembling the "pill bug". If even one of them is left to tell the next crew of the original design you'll forever face the nightmare moral problem of your own troops laughing at you... when instead they should be snapping to attention in gut wrenching fear. You'll note that I did say "most" of the design crew. I recommend that you allow one of the minor architects to live on, possibly with a horrible facial disfiguration, as a message for the second design crew.

    Delaying your plans comes with other challenges, though. You've no doubt been covering the progress of the local Lt. Smellsright, or Victor Truethought, or whoever it is that affixes the straight-jacket of the law to the moral sticking points around your neighborhood. If your great work has neared completion then he's no doubt already learned that something is up. He's probably beating all your hard kept secrets out of some gin-soaked henchman even as we speak. Curse his name. Go a head. It's good for you. Curse his name loud and strong. Did you see your minions jump? They're scared of him too... and you can use that. I recommend splitting your work force in two; place all your favorites on a bus to your secret secondary base(3) and assemble the rest in the great hall. Give them the usual "glory for you and doom for your enemies" speech. Get them into a fevered pitch. In fact, enjoy this moment. You seem them scurrying around to incur your favor? You see them marching in precision drills? Polishing your great vehicle? You've earned this... bask in this. Now sneak down to the great "pill bug" and enable the remote self destruct mechanism. Your minions will hold Lt. Chunderhead just long enough for you to make your get away and blow you disappointment sky high.

    You'll have now bought yourself enough time to gather a new design crew (remember - scare the bejezus out of this lot) and start work on a proper colossal mechanical spider. Happy conquering...


1) I'm talking your old fashioned type mayhem here... I'm talking limbs scattered about the place, not your haphazard chaos that's so trendy today.

2) I've got it on good authority that you have no worries about someone beating you to the punch. The Dark Mind has come down with a horrible case of weeping boils or something... he seems to have gotten a little to caught up in his bio-weapons development; and Zarkot the Terrible has gone insane, again.

3) Please tell me you have one of these set up.

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