Columnist for Tuesday, 3/27 - jasona

eat the spider

"Eat the spider."


"Eat the spider."

"No... no!"

"Put the spider in your mouth."

"Why on earth would I want to eat the spider?"

"Tasty spider."

"Good lord. No."

"Come on, eat the spider."

"No. You've got to be kidding me."

"Such a small thing."

"Get away from me. No. Stop it. Get that thing away from me."

"It looks tasty. Juicy too."

"You eat it then."

"Not for me to eat. This one's for you."

"Not bloody likely"


"Because it's a god damn spider, that's why!"

"Yes, but why don't you eat spiders? You eat fish, don't you?"

"... and they're not spiders, are they?"

"But they're kind of disgusting. All cold, and clammy, with those big glassy eyes. And they're covered in scales. Think of the guts."

"Oh, you've certainly made me hungry now."

"It's just a little spider. How do you know you wouldn't like it?"

"Same way I know I wouldn't want to pack my nose with concrete."

"Pah. Load of nonsense. You know you don't want your nose packed with concrete because you've had a stuffed up nose before. No one wants that. Especially when it's something hard and rough like concrete. Brings back bad flashes of childhood. Stuffing Lego's up your nose or something. Can you imagine trying to work that stuff out? Eating a spider's nothing like that. Tasty. Chewy."


"You're just being stubborn."

"Darn toot'n I am."

"Look, who in their right mind would try jello? Look at it... You can't smell it. You can't really touch it, it's just sort of resilient and gooey. Until you put it in your mouth you have no idea that it's good."

"Nonsense... it's ... it's ... you know it's tasty."

"Yes, because you had it as a child. You were indoctrinated into the Cult of Jello. You had it before you could even form cognizant opinions on food. It was always with you through your path to sentience. Now you trust the jello. Trust the spider."


"Eat the spider."

"No. How do you know I didn't try a spider when I was three, and I didn't like it, and my hatred for spiders walked with me along the path of sentience?"

"You can remember eating jello. Always liking jello. Can you remember spitting out a spider?"

"No. But what if it was before I could remember."

"But how do you know you didn't have a spider?"

"I'm just going to take it on faith."

"It could be a lost delight!"

"Know, I'd remember that. I remember the jello."

"Look at it's plump little body. Look how trusting it is. It trust you. It wants you to eat it."

"No. It's saying `put me down, please`"

"No. I know. It's whispering your name."

"It's hairy! It's got little spindly legs! and I think a couple of 'em are broken."

"Yes, and that's why it wants you to eat it. It can't harvest any more. It needs to be consumed. It needs to go to spider heaven."

"Look. You eat it. Be the spider messiah. You eat the spider."

"It calls your name."

"It does not call my name."

"It does. Look, see how it sits in my hand, see how it now turns to face you?"

"Agh. Stop that."

"It's begging me. It needs to go to meet the spider god."

"I'm not the path to spider nirvana."

"You are to this little fellow."

"Look. Put it on the floor. I'll put him out of his misery!"

"What are you saying?! That's blaspheme!"

"Gah. Sorry. I take it back."

"Then you'll eat him?"

"No. I'm not going to eat him."

"Look at how big you are. Look at how small he is. How could he harm you? And you'd be doing him such a service."

"Right. He's probably poisonous."

"He's not poisonous."

"How do you know?"

"I know."

"Well, yes. You look like you'd know."

"Eat the spider."


"Eat the spider."


"You tried sea urchin, and you didn't like it. It looks wretched, but you still tried it."

"Yes, but other people eat sea urchin."

"Indeed... and other people eat spiders. Spiders are eaten as a daily course in all parts of the Southern hemisphere."

"Why don't you bring him down there?"

"His time is short. He needs to be eaten."

"Why not feed him to a bird?"

"He has your name on him. You're fated to eat him."


"Spider's do not lie. Look into his eyes."


"Look at them."

"They are sort of big and saucer-ish."

"That's because he's hoping to get into spider heaven."

"Come on."

"He is. Watch him, he'll beg."

"Oh! He waved his arms at me."

"Legs. They're legs."

"He looks so sad."

"It would be a noble deed."

"What, to eat him?"


"Just one gulp, and it's spider heaven for him?"


"But he's a spider!"

"Think of him as a tiny lobster."


"Lobsters are arachnids."

"They are?"

"Imagine him with butter sauce."

"Butter sauce in heaven?"

"Butter sauce for you, heaven for him."



"Ok. Ok-Ok. Look ... give him to me before I change my mind."

"Thank you."

"Ugh. He's heavy."

"Not so much. Your fingernail weighs more."

"And he's so spindly and armored"

"Hardly a shell. Just swallow and he's gone."

"Can I not?"

"You've got his hopes up. Look at him."

"God. He's staring at me with those big eyes."

"One swift act. He'll thank you. I'll thank you."

"I ... er ... "


"AGh! That's nasty!"

"Funny. Lobsters are tasty."

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